Once a Marine
by AirborneGirl
Summary: COMPLETE ! Mac disappears for over a year. When Harm finally finds her, she has a lot of new dark secrets to share...will she come back with him? Warning: very AU!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note**: This is it, my new story. My very long, very different story. It's more dark than anything you've read from me. Still, I hope you take a liking to it. I'll post some flyffy one-aprters every now and then just to shed some light.Since I've been doubting my decision to publish this for a long time, I would love to hear from you.

**Disclaimer**: Don't own any of the characters of JAG. Some of the new characters are mine, though.

**Spoilers**:Happens shortlyafter Mic/Renée.

**Rating**: M. Because of mature subjects andlanguage. Read warning for details, please.

_**WARNING**: This story deals with the major mature subject of abortion. For those of you who are firmly against it, you might not want to proceed. _

_As for my own POV: I'm not even sure I have one. Let's just say I'm not pro-abortion, but having never been in a situation like the one I'm trying to write about, I can't firmly say I'm against it either._ _I'm neither a shrink, nor a Saint. Like every other human being, I have both qualities and faults. Therefore I don't feel I'm qualified to judge anyone in any given situation as long as I'm not sure what would be my own reaction if I was facing that same choice._ _So I'm trying to write a fictional story without either condemning or condoning the many women around the world who, for various reasons, chose not to have their child. And I hope I'm succeeding. __That said, I'll go on with the story. _

**Once a Marine…**

CHAPTER ONE

She sat at the ill lit vanity in the corner of the sleazy club, applying layer after layer of make-up. Tonight, for no reason, she was in a melancholic mood, thinking about all the stages in her life, everything that got her here.

This was the last place she'd expected herself to be. Within her work as a Marine lawyer, she was always headed for something big, something smart. How naïve. She let out a cynical laugh. She was a lot now, but naïve wasn't one of them.

She'd had such a perfect little life build for herself. A loving family within the JAG office walls, caring people everywhere around her. And of course the perfect, caring fiancé. Until it all came apart at the wedding that would never take place, because of him. The one she really loved. The one she'd lost forever now.

She had lost all ability to communicate after that. Her coworkers, though very understanding and kind in the months after the postponing and ending of her engagement, couldn't seem to get her out of her glum mood, get her head out of the dark clouds that were slowly suffocating her.

Because she just couldn't understand herself: a perfect Marine (as everybody always claimed she was) should not even be capable of making such a mistake, turning down a steady relationship for…for what? For a dream…a possibility that had led to nothing. Always led to nothing.

With both herself and the obvious object of her affection single again, the office gossiped as it always did, the pools running high. As was her usual way of coping, she wanted to run, but didn't have a clue whereto. Not to him, never to him. So she didn't, instead chose to bury herself in the endless stream of papers and articles.

But they stopped making sense and slowly but steadily she lost her ability to communicate to others by means of the court as well.

She'd given her notice, even gave a farewell party, but didn't provide her once best friends with any reasons. She just didn't know how to explain. Without letting anybody know, she left her apartment and DC behind on a strangely chilly August night. Taking only her clothes, some money and her books with her. And her unborn child.

Yes, she got knocked up, forgetting to take the pill only once. Stupid, stupid! As much as she had vowed she wanted to get pregnant, and put a child on this world, it was always supposed to be Harm's child, going halves on a baby with him. But this baby wasn't Harm's and therefore it felt like an unwelcome intruder in her body and rapidly spiraling down life.

She had nothing to offer this baby, she never even had the ability to identify herself with it, like some people do when they're happy about a new life.

The clinic was filthy and most likely illegal, but at least it didn't cost her much and they never asked for any insurance papers. They didn't check her name and she paid in cash.

With absolutely nothing left, wallet, heart and womb empty, she headed for any big city she could disappear in, finding herself in San Diego, far enough away from headquarters not to be recognized immediately.

Not knowing where to go or what to do, she stopped at a half-decent club, where young girls were putting on a striptease for businessmen in suits, officers and enlisted men of the nearby Naval base and students on a night out, sipping whiskey and holding up dollar-bills.

Once your life is going downhill, there's no way of stopping it. 'Things can only get better' was never a true statement in the first place. 'Bottom's up' is though, she concluded while draining a tequila. Might as well fall of that wagon too while she was at it. Not that it mattered.

Her first drink turned into a second, a third, a…she lost count after that. Her first night spent at the barstool of the ratty club turned into a second, a third a…she lost count after that.

Until her limited funds were really all drained and she had nowhere to get more. The local ATM didn't give her any more cash. Apparently her friends had closed her account to be on the safe side.

Was there anybody looking for her? Did they show her face on milk-cartons or on TV? She didn't know. The only TV she watched were the football-matches shown at the club. And milk wasn't her favorite drink these days, nor coffee for that matter.

She had given a rueful look at the girls on stage and turned to the bartender to ask for the manager. The decision being made, there was no turning back. The next evening, she put on her first stage costume…

That was a year ago. A year in which, even if people were still looking for her, they didn't do a decent job. A year in which she tried a few times to find a working phone booth and call…call who?

Twelve long months in which she spent her time between the club and the loft she now shared with Clarice, Eve and Joanna, some of the other 'dancers'. They weren't friends, but they didn't ask any questions and that's what she wanted. For now anyway.

A knock on the door announced the arrival of Derek, their bouncer. He was a big mean man with lots of tattoos, but for some reason he was always courteous, polite, almost fatherly concerned for the dancers, especially her. As if he knew that this had never been the life she was supposed to have.

He opened the door when she answered she was ready and gave her a small wink. He never asked her if she was okay, or wished her luck. He knew it wouldn't matter to her. He was just there in case clients got a little too carried away. How could he know Mac knew more about killing someone, either with weapons or with bare hands than he could ever teach her? Just because she wasn't a Marine any more, that didn't mean her instincts had worn off.

She got up on the small stage, dressed as a cowgirl and started her routine, shutting out every sound except for the music she was dancing to. Automatically her hips and legs and arms moved. She felt the rumpled bills being stuffed behind her strings and in her boots. She tossed the hat away and looked straight into a pair of surprised blue eyes…

He hated these kinds of clubs, even if he was here on a serious investigation. A few weeks before, some drunken midshipmen got themselves involved in a series of bar fights during their leave and subsequently ended up in the brig with severe hangovers and the usual predictable and useful short-term memory loss. Now it was up to him to dig up the truth.

He truly hated this, but lately, he hated his job period. Although lately, more like the last year… he couldn't believe it had been a year already since her total disappearance from his life, almost from this globe.

They'd searched for her for months, contacting any agency, legal or not, either Russian, Arabian, European, Australian or American to get any kind of information whatsoever, but since she wasn't a Marine anymore and therefore could not be abducted, held hostage or on some kind of undercover mission, there was little they could do. She was simply…gone. Even Webb had tried his hardest to find anything out, but when even he came up short, they'd finally given up.

Life had taken on another meaning after that for him. Or rather, no meaning at all. The pain of losing her cut as deeply within him as the loss of his father had. Or maybe, on some level, even more. For at least he'd found his father, with her help.

Now, not only hadn't he been able to find her, the thought that she might not want to be found, was so much worse. With his father safely tucked away in sweet boyhood memories, he'd needed her to be in his future dreams. He'd always assumed that she wanted to be a part of his life too.

JAG wasn't JAG without her. They'd all aged considerably after she'd vanished and even though they continued their necessary work without her, replacing her with an adequate, but not nearly as much dedicated lawyer, the sheer drive she seemed to evoke in them all had left the building with her.

The skills and supremacy of the staff at the headquarters was still unmatched, but the consideration, the compassion, none of the staff members seemed to have any feelings to spare…and Harm was worst of them all.

So many things she had missed already. Christmas, New Years Eve, several anniversaries and birthdays…and all the days in between. Days like these, where she would have laughed at him and called him a prude, just to trigger him out of his sulky mood.

A slap on his shoulder shook him out of his reverie and he had to restrain himself from attacking the staggering man in front of him who'd grabbed him to either maintain or regain his balance. He hated physical affection from any of these guys and he didn't appreciate being used as a means of leverage.

These 'officers' who were all drunk were a total disgrace to the Navy and he was momentarily embarrassed to be wearing the same uniform, even if he was outranking most of them.

As not to look conspicuous before starting his investigation, he allowed one of the almost topless waitresses (you could hardly call the small piece of fabric a bra, and if that's what it was, she should have gotten a bigger size; about three times as big) to place him at a table at the end of the little stage, where he was given his complimentary drink.

Already, the elderly sailor seated next to him had a fist full of dollar bills in his chubby hand. He looked like a drooling bloodhound and for a moment he felt sorry for the girls who did this degrading job as a means to stay alive.

A girl dressed up like a cop started her routine. She was a dirty blond girl. Her police cap landed on the head of one of his neighbors, hysteria almost breaking out. Her bra landed in his own lap, but before she could get it back and give him a lap dance at the same time, he had tossed the lace thingy back on stage. He was here; wasn't that humiliating enough?

If the girl had noticed his discomfort, she didn't show. She finished her routine like the professional she was, gathered her stuff, the bills, blew them a kiss and a sassy wink and left the stage.

Another girl was announced: Amazing Maggie, or something like that. A slim brunette entered, dressed as a cowgirl. She only wore leather boots with high heels and spurs, hot pants, a blouse tied in front, some underwear probably and a Stetson on her head. Slowly she started dancing, getting rid of the blouse first. Then she tossed her hat away…and her brown eyes met his…

_So..should I be burned at the stake? Hide somewhere? As I said, I'm not begging, I'm truly very insecure about this story...please tell me if I should continue..._


	2. Chapter 2

**AN**: A heartfelt thanks to all of you who took the time and effort to review the first installment of this new story. Your overly positive view makes me more confident about continuing. So, just to get this story really on the road, I'll publish two chapters at the same time. Love to hear from you after those.

**Disclaimer**: Only in my dreams...and in my fictions are they all mine to toy with. Not for real, remember?

CHAPTER TWO

For a moment, the world froze, as if they were the lead actors in a very bad movie. She didn't even hear the booing of the club visitors as her body refused to move and no pieces of clothing were further taken off. While the cheesy country music kept playing, she just…stood there.

Him. There was no doubt about it. It was him. She hadn't taken notice of his uniform, since there were always a lot of sailors on leave watching her. When she'd just started out, she had been afraid of being recognized by a former client from the nearby base, but somehow that had never happened. Of course her hair was a lot longer now and her heavy make-up concealed a lot, so she didn't resemble the rigid Marine she once was by a long shot.

But this time, there was nowhere to hide. He would have recognized her anywhere. For all this year she'd been running from her life, the most unlikely scenes had been playing in her mind. Meeting Harriet with the kids at the mall (Bud could have been replaced or reassigned). Or being approached on the street by someone she'd prosecuted or defended once, a lifetime ago. Going to another club or bar and seeing Bud or Sturgis having a beer after finishing an investigation.

But never had she been more troubled by her dreams than by the ones dedicated to the one person she both did and did not want to see. Him.

And now he was here, clearly as distraught as she was. Not just because they met, but more of the way they met. In a cheap San Diego club. Him watching her strip down to practically nothing…or absolutely nothing if the tips were good. And him still thinking of her as the kick-ass Marine she had been, way before her life came crashing down…

How ironic. She would have chosen him to be her next lover if only he'd stuck around long enough. He would have been the next (and last) in line to see her naked body and tell her how beautiful she was. Instead, here he was, looking at her together with dozens of others, strangers…

Suddenly she felt sick, but at least the wave of nausea triggered her into action as she quickly groped her blouse and hat from the stage and fled into the relative safety of her dressing room.

Forgotten was his reason for being here, forgotten all other people around him. As quickly as his big body would allow him to, he darted to the backstage area, where he was halted by a big man (though not as tall as he himself was) with a scowl on his face.

"No disturbing the girls backstage, sailor. They don't do private peepshows for the likes of you."

"I know that. And it's not what I want. I just…"

Running out of patience fast, Harm tried to push the other big man away, but it was like pushing a rock.

"You wanna get into trouble with the law, Mr. Fancy Uniform? I hear your kind of lawyers don't like this kind of harassment any better than the regular ones do."

"You seem to know a lot about our kind of lawyers…except not enough to notice that I AM one. And whether you believe it or not, once upon a time so was she."

"Which one?"

The voice sounded amused, as if Harm was only slightly in loss of his marbles.

"The last one on stage. She must have recognized me, since she fled. Now, technically, she's resigned her commission, so there's no legal problem hanging over her head, but not that long ago we were best friends as well as partners and I do need to talk to her."

"How can I be sure you're not making this all up?"

For some unknown reason, the bouncer had obviously decided to take him seriously. Harm took out his wallet and showed him one of his most precious possessions. It was a photo of the two of them, dressed in full mess dress at the last annual Christmas party they'd attended together. Arms wrapped around each other, they looked so comfortable and content. So fast that had changed…

"See? Lieutenant Colonel Sarah MacKenzie. That's her."

The big man took a sharp look and blew out some air.

"That's her alright. Calls herself Maggie now."

"So…can I go see her?"

Suddenly, the bouncer's face contorted into what was supposedly a knowing smile.

"You're in love with her."

Momentarily taken aback at the plain and simple truth being revealed by the man in front of him, Harm wanted to shake his head in automatic denial, when he abruptly changed his mind and nodded in defeat.

"From the start. And if I'd had the guts to tell her, she wouldn't have fled across the country…I'm to blame for the life she's leading now. No offence."

"None taken. I've always known she was somehow too good, too smart to belong here. Guess I was right."

"So I can go see her now?"

"I guess so."

He stepped aside to let Harm pass, but as he did so, he grabbed the officer's shoulder to turn him around.

"For what it's worth…this is a strip-club, not a brothel. We don't have private rooms, the girls don't provide any other service than the on-stage shows. And as far as I can recollect she's never been picked up by anyone after work either. Come to think of it, the last one who tried, almost didn't make it alive to regret it."

Harm grinned despite of himself. Sounded like Mac, alright.

"Thanks."

He didn't know what else to say.

Derek nodded, remaining silent when he let go if Harm's shoulder. Then watched him go in with a sad expression on his face. Poor Maggie, or Sarah, or whatever her name was…she certainly didn't deserve the life she was leading…maybe this man would make her see.

Inside her dressing room, Mac sat down on the narrow couch, dressed in her favorite fluffy bathrobe, the one she huddled in between shows. She was chilled to the bone with emotions she'd fought so hard to forget about when she'd left JAG a lifetime ago.

Harm was here. He saw her, her new life, her new job, this utterly degrading, dead-end road. He would find out about her falling of the wagon too. Because even though lately she'd managed to climb back on and stay on (her last drink had been two months before), she used to need a little alcoholic buzz to be able to perform. When she was a rookie at the job, not drinking meant she had to really open her eyes and focus on what she was doing. And she didn't want to, afraid of what her sober mind would tell her, of what her sober self might think of her.

As for Harm? She knew he would do the just thing, the Navy honor thing. He would persuade her to come back. To DC, their friends, maybe, eventually, to re-enlist and come back to JAG. He would pull every string he had to make sure she wouldn't be demoted, at least get her former rank of Major back, if not Lieutenant Colonel or (god-forbid) chief-of-staff.

She would have to face all her former friends again. Bud, Harriet, the Admiral, Tiner, Gunny…she used to love all those people, but she knew their disappointment would be a bitter pill to swallow.

Of course she could just decide to stay. Ward him off, have Derek kick him out, even though Harm would be a very difficult opponent to tackle. Knowing him, he would have kept up his work-outs, kept himself in shape. He certainly didn't look any weaker when she saw him. She'd even felt her body involuntarily react. God, the man was beautiful.

But even though the prospect of the reunion didn't quite appeal to her, the thought of getting away from this, this…joint, almost made her feel relieved. There was nothing she would miss around here, except maybe for Derek, but he would probably be happy for her.

The pounding on her door interrupted her thoughts. She shivered, both dreading the confrontation and looking forward to being within close proximity of him again, only now allowing herself to admit just how much she'd missed him. With every sailor coming through the door, she was not only scared of being exposed, but also painfully reminded of the one person her heart could never heal from.

She opened the door just a little, in case some other crazed client had broken through the barricades, but when she assured herself that the tall frame was indeed his, she quietly let him in.

_And another chapter coming right up..._


	3. Chapter 3

**AN**: As I promised, another chapter on the same day. Hope you'll enjoy it, as this story seems to gradually grow on me.

**Disclaimer**: Like I said before and I'll repeat it under oath...not mine.

CHAPTER THREE

For long, silent, creeping minutes they just stood frozen in place. He didn't know what to do, or what to say. The realization that he was at least partially to blame for her current state of mind and occupation had unsettled him, the guilt gnawing at his already overheated conscience.

He was fighting an inner war between his mind (how could you just walk out on us all? Did we, did I mean that little to you?) and his heart (I'm so sorry, Sarah. Please forgive me, let me set things right, give me a chance), which was effectively ended by the look of utter defeat she gave him.

She looked so vulnerable, so shy, so…exposed. Neither offering apologies nor putting blame. Lost in memories and useless could-have-been dreams.

His resolve broke. Maybe it wasn't the smartest thing he'd ever done, nor would it solve anything or negate the need to talk later, but he didn't care. He simply surrendered, opening his arms to her.

"Sarah…"

She started to sob quietly, before silently slipping into his embrace.

Nothing before had ever felt so good to him than holding on to her, softly caressing her heaving shoulders, burying his face in the soft crook of her neck, ignoring the smell of alcohol, cheap perfume and cigarette smoke. The essence that was purely Sarah was still there, ready to be discovered. By him only.

At long last her sobbing seemed to subdue, she was only sniffling now. But still she held on to him for dear life. He let her, too overwhelmed by his own juggling feelings to confront her yet. For as long as she stayed plastered against his chest, he could pretend all was well, instead of a mess.

Unavoidably, the time came where she, albeit reluctantly, let go of him. She sat down on the chair in front of the vanity, and he found himself a seat on another chair, carefully taking what appeared to be her normal outfit from its back, so he wouldn't wrinkle it. Her jeans and sweater looked so heartbreakingly normal next to the skimpy cowgirl outfit she was wearing underneath her robe.

Suddenly he wanted to cry for her, for them, for whatever it was that had made her take the road downhill.

She owed him an explanation. She knew she did, even if she wasn't ready to give it to him. Carefully she thought of all the letters she had written to him, some for real, some just in her mind. She tried to relive all the fantasies of the conversations she'd had with him whenever she would (day)dream about seeing him again. Problem was, this wasn't her imagination, this wasn't alcohol speaking. This was the real deal. He was here. For real. And she didn't know where to start.

She'd done the hugging and crying part, so only the talking part was left. Would he settle for the short-cut? The basic, naked facts? Almost subconsciously, she shook her head. Knowing Harm, she expected him not to have changed all that much. He was a lawyer, the sharpest one she happened to know. He would dig as deep as he needed to reveal the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help him God. Or without His help if necessary.

She opened her mouth, hoping words would magically appear without her thinking, but the only sound she produced, was a soft whisper.

"I'm sorry."

She choked again, looking at him helplessly.

To her big surprise, he didn't only meet her halfway, he took the distance, took the blame from her shoulders in a typical Harm-fashion. She should have known he couldn't do anything halfway.

"I'm the one who's sorry Sarah. I'm…"

"Harm, you don't have to…"

He cut her off.

"Yes I do."

He shifted in his seat uneasily, knowing that this was not the place nor the time he'd always had in mind to have the much needed heart-to-heart with Sarah, but realizing at the same time that keeping his mouth shut now was not an option.

"Sarah, would you let me finish, please?"

When she nodded, knowing there was no stopping him whatever she tried, he scraped his throat as to take a moment to gather his thoughts.

"I'm sorry you ran away. So sorry that I never made things clear to you when I had the chance. Sorry that I was too afraid, too stunned, too much focused on my career and officer's decorum to open my eyes and see, really see what was in front of me all along. I'm sorry I stabbed a knife straight through your heart the first time I rejected you, only to keep twisting it, never giving you time to heal."

He took a deep breath, halting her with one hand when she wanted to speak, indicating he wasn't nearly done.

"I chased you away didn't I?"

Not awaiting an answer, he plunged on, being his own prosecutor, judge and executioner at the same time, his skills in court coming in handy as he chastised himself for what he was convinced was all his fault. Problem for her was, she actually felt some of it was. Though, with a stab of self-hatred, she had to admit she did take the decision to run on her own accord.

"I gave you no choice. I simply wasn't there for you. Whatever it was that got you stuck here was beyond my control, but I triggered it and for that I'm more sorry than I could ever tell you."

He reached out for her hand and when she put her hand in his, he held on to it, rubbing her knuckles while seeking out her eyes with his.

"Am I too late? Can I still fix it? I so desperately want to fix this. I need you more than I need the Navy, I need you more than I need my next breath. This past year has suffocated me, Sarah…I miss you."

He couldn't help himself any longer. The tears that had started to pool in the corners of his eyes with the first onslaught of emotions now slowly trickled down over his cheeks. He wasn't ashamed of them, he was helpless to stop them, deserved them even.

Harm buried his head in his hands and silently wept.

For Sarah, all the had registered from his monologue, were the three last words. The sadness in his voice when he said them, the sincerity…it had more impact than all the apologies presiding. He missed her. Correction, he misses her, as in present tense.

In vain she tried, for the first time probably since she'd left them all, to envision their life without her. As confused as she had been when she up and left them, she had never stopped to consider their feelings, their confusion, their fear. And she was deeply ashamed of herself now. They'd been her friends, her betrayal was inexcusable.

Had they searched through her personal things? What had happened with her apartment? She'd given Harm an emergency key, she remembered, but had he used it? She could almost picture him, wandering from living room to bedroom to kitchen to try and find something, anything that would help him locate her. The first few weeks.

And what about after that? Did they mourn her, like she was dead? Did they keep the pictures of her at better times? Did they celebrate the holidays together, secretly wishing she was there, wondering where she was and what she was doing? She'd stopped celebrating holidays and birthdays, but did they?

Or were they mad at her, for the way she acted? Were they glad to get rid of her, did they consider her a traitor, her behavior as an act of mutiny, even if she was legally no longer on active duty?

How presumptuous of her just to assume nothing had changed for them. No matter how they felt, if they were sorry or happy she'd fled, fact was, she'd just…left. Left them to deal with questions that would never be answered, her things to be taken care off…and to top that all, Harm was apologizing to her!

Yes, she'd blamed him for her rash actions, but now, looking back (hindsight is twenty-twenty, remember?) it was just a very convenient excuse at a moment in life where she'd felt out of control. Not very Marine-like. But also nobody to blame but herself.

No, she couldn't let him be a martyr, couldn't let him carry the burden that was rightfully hers. She was the one to leave her life behind without looking back at the devastation her departure evoked, so she was the one who had to pick up the pieces. Her running would have to end someday. Might as well be now. Correction again. It had to be now.

She kneeled in front of the silently crying man, cringing at the thought that she'd never seen him lose control before. She had to get a grip on him, she had to make him see she wanted to go back to her old life, was ready for it, even when she knew her old life would never be the same as it was. Because she'd changed too much in the process.

Though she wasn't even sure she had the right to ask him for help, she had no choice in the matter. He would have to be her opening, her portal back to the world.

"Harm…Harm!…"

No reaction whatsoever, he didn't seem to have heard her. Time for desperate measures.

"Suck it up, Squid. I need you to come out of this haze. Snap to it!"

Wow! She hadn't used any Marine language for years, but boy, did it feel good to be using the terms again. Standing straight, Mac felt herself getting back in control, back into the marine grip that had saved her the first time around. She might have forgotten, pushed that life to the back of her mind, her instinct apparently had not. And she was glad for it.

It surely had the desired effect on Harm too, as he looked up with shock and sudden recognition.

When he'd first stepped into the dressing room, seeing Sarah in a surrounding so far away from the life she'd know, the life he'd known her to have, he'd felt deflated. Getting her back to where he knew she belonged seemed an impossible obstacle.

But at the tone of her voice, he looked up and saw…Lieutenant Colonel Sarah MacKenzie, US Marine. Hell, he almost stood at attention before her, ready to snap off a curt salute. The sudden realization that it was still in her blood opened the road to recovery again.

Their eyes met and sudden understanding passed silently between them. He grabbed her normal clothes from the spot he had tossed them on and handed them over.

"Get dressed, Mac. We're getting out of here."

_Where will they be going next? Next installment soon. Reviews (of any and all kind) much appreciated._


	4. Chapter 4

**AN**: Here I am again. My last chapters got so much praise, I'm growing more confident about this story. Thought I decided to put some lighthearted moments in it too, just in case this should end up too much of a sob-story. And again, I'll be posting two chapters at the same time...

**Disclaimer**: I'm nowhere near closer to purchasing the JAG characters as my own...DPB won't budge.

CHAPTER FOUR

An hour later she was sitting in his rental car while he headed to the hotel he'd been staying in. She wondered why he hadn't decided on staying at the San Diego's guest officers quarters, but she didn't want to ask, afraid any sound would startle him enough to cause an accident.

Vaguely she remembered herself giving her notice to the big boss, who'd shrugged and given her a wad of cash; her last pay and tips. She'd given Derek a hug, the bouncer seemingly pleased to see her being whisked of the what would probably be a better life; a fresh start.

They'd stopped by the apartment she'd shared with the other girls. Mac felt a bit sorry she wouldn't have a chance to say goodbye to them (they were still working), but she was not that close to them anyway. She left them a note, thanking them for everything they'd done for her (including not asking questions she didn't want to answer) and some cash for her part of the rent for that month, so they had some time to find another roommate without getting into trouble with their landlord.

After that, she was quick to grab what little possessions she wanted to take, trusting the girls would divide whatever she left behind. Without remorse she locked the door for the last time, shoving the keys through the mail slot.

"Ready to go?"

It was the first thing he'd said since they'd left her dressing room at the club.

Mac had only nodded.

"Nothing there I need any more. Let's get out of here."

So now they sat in the car, a rental SUV. Somehow, that stained. She always though he hated SUV's, being very particular about what kind of car he drove. Now she wasn't sure about anything. Did he still have his biplane? Was his grandmother still alive? Did he still like to cook, play the guitar?

She knew he did his annual quals, for his gold wings were proudly pinned on his chest. What was it she'd always told him, about dress whites and gold wings? Very overrated? Oh, who had she been kidding?

The sudden ringing of his cell phone pulled both of them out of their personal reveries, as Harm pulled over to answer.

"The Admiral."

She had no idea why he informed her, but she shivered. Even if he was just on the other side of a phone connection, thoughts of her former CO jumped to the front of her mind. She'd liked AJ Chegwidden, knew his formal stance was just a disguise for a compassionate heart. Would he show her the same compassion? Or was he too disappointed in her to consider any contact?

Detached, she heard Harm's side of the conversation, bringing his CO up to speed about his investigation.

"No sir, I haven't found out why the bar fight started in the first place."

A mumbled response over the phone, then Harm spoke again.

"I know that, Sir, but something else caught my attention."

Another pause as he listened.

"Yes Sir, it's very important. I can't give you any details, but I can assure you it's very important indeed."

"Yes sir. Thank you sir. Goodnight."

He pushed the small rectangle shut and wanted to pull up the road again, when he glanced her way and found her nervously fidgeting.

"You okay, Mac?"

She didn't know how to answer, the truth so simple, yet so complicated.

"I let him down. I let them all down. How can I face them again?"

His answer startled her, for it's sincerity and simplicity.

"They love you. We all love you. That never stopped Sarah. Everyone's still there."

"What…"

"They'll be glad to see you. They might ask questions, but you know them Sarah, you know they'll help you settle back down."

A nervous, sickening feeling was washing over him as he sat there in the driver's seat of the car, trying to pour some strength into the wretched soul slumped next to him in the passenger's seat.

He'd whisked her away, not asking, just assuming. He'd found her and now he was taking her back home, where she belonged…but did she?

What if she was right? He knew their friends would welcome her back. Yes, there would be questions that warranted an answer, there would be the pain of feeling betrayed, it would all come to surface one way or the other and he couldn't protect her from it. But was she up to it? Could she indeed find the courage it would most definitely take to face them, answer them, make amends?

He'd never known her to be afraid, but than again, he'd never known her capable of disappearing from their lives for so long. Did he know her at all? He used to think he did, but this Sarah sitting next to him now…she might as well be a stranger. Back in the dressing room he still had hope when he saw the glimmer of Marine attitude kick in again, but maybe he was only fooling himself.

Damn! He always thought that finding her would be the only problem, now he knew better. There were all sorts of problems yet to come. And there was no way to ease her into that.

Then it hit him: she hadn't said she even wanted to.

The hotel was small, but comfortable. She'd slept on bunk-beds, on floors, in holes, chairs and grand queen-size hotel beds. One Marine skill still came in handy; Mac could sleep anywhere.

Anywhere but in his room. But she had no choice; the hotel was booked solid because of some kind of sports event taking place these days.

Shrugging, Harm accepted his key-card and gently led her into the room. There were two twin beds with a nightstand in between. His briefcase, laptop and several papers were casually spread out on a narrow desk in the corner. Another door led into the surprisingly spacious bathroom.

Suddenly feeling shy and awkward, Mac hugged herself trying not to shiver.

"Sarah…"

He drew her into a quick hug and to she felt herself relax against him. Somehow he still had that effect on her.

"Please, learn to trust me again. I would never do anything to hurt you."

She flinched, hearing his words, knowing it was the pain he'd inflicted that had sent her running.

"Well, not any more."

It made her chuckle. It least they still thought alike.

He let go of her, but not before dropping a quick kiss on her forehead.

"Why don't you go take a bath, relax a little. I'll go see if I can get us any food, if you're hungry."

"Harm…"

There it was. The flyboy grin. Still intact, the first one he'd given her since their eyes had first locked that evening. She found it still made her tingle.

"That's right, you're always hungry."

He gave her a wink before leaving her to her own devices.

He came back soon enough, carrying some cardboard containers with delicious smelling Chinese food in them. Wrapped up in the fluffy bathrobe she'd found in the bathroom, Mac felt lots better and dug into her food with a gusto. Harm just watched her with an amused smile on his face.

"What? I haven't changed that much."

She immediately regretted her remark, as clearly, she had changed. A lot.

"Well, not your appetite anyway."

Thank God for small favors. He'd obviously decided to take things the light way.

After dinner, Harm stashed away the empty containers and stretched himself out on the bed, which was just about long enough to fit his tall frame. With his head propped up in his hand, leaning on his elbow, he looked at her.

"We need to talk, Sarah…"

_AN: Don't they always ;-)...read about it in the next chapter!_


	5. Chapter 5

**AN**: The fifth chapter already...Don't worry, this story will stretch out at least till twenty chapters, that is, if I still have readers ;-).

**Disclaimer**: Read the last chapter...and the one before that, and before that, and my other stories...

CHAPTER FIVE

He dreaded it. This feeling he still had in his guts, telling him she was about to make another run for it. That things were going too fast for her.

So much had happened in these past few hours. Maybe not in the more practical sense of the word, but emotionally, they'd been through an earthquake.

He knew he couldn't just show up with her at JAG Headquarters and have her reinstated the very same day. He wished he could, but there were many obstacles to tackle. And one of them was looking at him from the other bed with fear in her chocolate eyes.

"I've come up with a plan. I mean, I know you're not ready to come back to DC with me yet, and frankly, I think it's better if I went ahead and talked to all of them before dropping them a bomb like this one. Don't get me wrong, they'll be thrilled, like I said, but maybe breaking this to them easily might be a better way."

She just nodded, but a small part of the fear was fading and he was grateful for it.

"Here's the plan, or the headlines anyway. Tomorrow, I'll give my mom and Frank a call. They'll be happy to have you over as a guest. You can take some rest there, just think about some things, clear your head, while I'll fly back to DC to prepare them all. What do you think so far?"

"Your mom and Frank. Do they know…I mean, I won't be…"

"They know you've been…missing. They'll be glad to see you come. There's plenty of room in their house, they love to have guests. You won't be imposing and you don't have to tell them anything if you don't want to."

She nodded again, before, tentatively, asking another question.

"What about your…my…our…friends?"

Clearly, she wasn't sure if she could still call them friends.

"What about them?"

"What are you gonna tell them? They'll want to know how you found me…where you found me."

He sighed for a moment, having mulled over that particular issue himself. He wanted, no, needed to be honest with them, at the very least with his CO, but he also didn't want to hurt Mac by revealing the more…how to say this…revealing parts of her latest occupation? It might not just hurt her feelings, stain her dignity, but it might damage her career as well, if she was ever to be reinstated at all.

He decided to be honest with her.

"I'm not sure about that, Mac. I have to be as clear and honest as possible, at least with the Admiral. With the others, I can maybe just…brush over the details I guess. Just tell them you worked in a club. Not tell them what you were doing. If you choose to elaborate on any other occasion, you can do that yourself. But AJ…I'll have to tell him. He's my CO and I do not only respect him, I trust him too. With my life, and with yours. He's not a judgmental man, Sarah and I'm sure he'll do whatever it takes to make your comeback happen in a dignified manner."

"What comeback are we talking about Harm?"

There it was, THE question. The one he was still dreading. For he truly didn't even really know for sure if she even wanted to be a Marine again. But somehow, that idea had locked itself in his head as a certainty. He'd never known her in any other capacity than as a Marine. A damn fine Marine at that. It used to be her life and he just couldn't picture her doing anything else. Well, he could, he just had, but…well…you know…damn it, she just couldn't be anything else!

"One step at a time here, okay? First, let's focus on getting you back to DC…"

Somehow, he got on her nerves. The way he had just…walked into her life again, taking over, picking up where they'd left off…it irked her. He hadn't even asked if she wanted to go back. She just couldn't take it anymore. She was being left out at her own future planning, for crying out loud!

"Who says I even want to go back to DC? You haven't asked me anything so far, you just assume…"

Her voice trailed of as she felt her anger deflate as sudden as it had come up.

"Never mind me. I'm tired. And of course I do want to go back to DC. It's just that…I'm terrified Harm. There's so much to do, so many relationships I have to mend. A career I have to pick up, if there's anything left to be picked up in the first place. I have to live somewhere, get new stuff…"

She choked at the magnitude of things she still had to do to get her life back. The list seemed endless, and her usual Marine resolve had just gone AWOL.

She hadn't noticed Harm had moved from his bed until he was sitting next to her on hers, gently pulling her into the comfort of his embrace. Immediately, Mac felt herself relax again. How did he do that?

"Everything is still there, you know."

His words were muffled in her hair as he held her, so she misunderstood,

"I know they're all gonna be there, but…"

"That's not what I said, Sarah. I said, everything."

"What do you mean?"

She shrugged herself out of his arms, but held on to his hands, not wanting to miss the comfort of being near him, but wanting to look at him too. She had to know if she heard him correctly this time.

"I mean it literally. Everything you own is exactly where it has always been. We all have been chipping in to keep paying your rent and any other bills coming in. We've been taking turns keeping things clean and organized, and AJ has even kept track of your retirement funds. We just had no choice blocking your bank account. We weren't sure what had happened to you. But we've always kept some hope, some faith in our hearts."

"You've…you've all been saving my home for me? Have you been there, recently, I mean…"

Of course she knew she was rambling, but this was just too much to bear. They hadn't given up on her, they had even kept her apartment for her. How could she ever repay them?

If she was startled now, she was up to another shocking revelation, as Harm answered her last question with an honesty that rocked her world.

"I go to your place a lot. Whenever I feel the need to be close to you. I just sit there, not doing anything in particular, picturing you fumbling around in the kitchen, the bedroom…I even slept in your bed a couple of times."

He looked slightly embarrassed at that last piece of his confession, as if he had taken a step too close into her private zone. But, to her own disbelief, Mac felt herself being strangely attracted to the idea of Harm sleeping in her bed. Poor guy. She had no idea her leaving would effect him to that extend. Not at that moment when she left anyway.

Softly she caressed his cheek, just to let him know she understood, wasn't mad, just…shocked. And touched by his care.

He looked up when he felt her small hand on his face.

In movies, this is the moment where everything goes in very slow motion. But this was not a movie, as he found out a moment later as their lips met in a soft, sweet, delicate kiss.

It wasn't supposed to happen like that. They were supposed to fight, talk, run, talk and fight some more before they would get it right. That was just how things worked between them. Or rather, hadn't worked between them. So maybe, just maybe, this way was better.

He was done with the running, the fighting, the talking, the thinking. He was tired of it, had already spent too much time that way, time he could have spent with her in the way he wanted to, if only.

Harm let his mind go blissfully blank as he poured everything he had, everything he felt into that kiss. He'd been both at the giving and receiving end of kisses, good ones that should have lasted, bad ones that should have ended, but nothing like this. Cliché as it was, the difference was in the girl he was kissing. This girl, this woman, had his heart. Had always had his heart.

Eventually, the kiss ended, way too fast for his liking. But at the sight of her, he could only smile. Smile and feel happy. Her eyes were sparkling, her lips slightly parted and swollen, the blood coursing through them painting them a bright ruby red. And she too, was smiling.

Suddenly, holding onto her, things became as clear as a diamond for him. This was it, their beginning. No long talks, no fights…they just did it!

"Harm?"

"Huh?"

Okay, so he wasn't very coherent. You try to open your mouth after a kiss like that and see what comes out except for some drool.

"That was…"

"Yeah."

He could only grin like an idiot. A lovesick idiot. Before kissing her again. Another achingly sweet experience. Until, again, the need for something as mundane as oxygen tore them apart.

_Lets keep them hanging in their little moment for now...knowing them, it won't be that easy after all, right? I'll be back soon. Meanwhile, you're welcome to let me know how you feel...thanks._


	6. Chapter 6

**AN**: As has become my habit, I'll post another pair of chapters at the same time. I'm in a good mood today, so you'll find some fluff in this chapter and the next one. For those of you who need a bit of darkness, don't worry, it'll be there soon. As always, these two have neough to discuss. Enjoy...

**Disclaimer**: Please don't make me repeat myself, it's getting boring...

CHAPTER SIX

Mac leaned against his chest, slightly panting. Her need to be close to him so overwhelming she felt dizzy.

"Ouch!"

"Mac? What's wrong? Are you in pain?"

She laughed, an honest genuine laugh, lifting the last piece of tension from the room.

"Your gold wings, Flyboy. They're poking me in the eyes!"

He grinned, unbuttoning his uniform shirt and throwing it off the bed, together with his undershirt, revealing his bare chest.

"Better?"

"In so many ways…"

She sighed, even more contend to be held by him than before.

His arms were still wrapped snugly around her slim waist and for the first time since she could recall, Mac felt loved, safe, cherished.

Some dancers, or rather strippers, she used to know, took some pride in the fact that they were wanted by the men they were performing for. Mac had never been one of them. She wasn't looking for people wanting to be with her just because of her body or the fact she knew how to move it.

She could only thank God Harm wasn't that way. She knew he wouldn't have even entered that strip club if it hadn't been for his investigation. But…what if she was wrong? After all, everything she had once known about this man might have changed during this year. She stiffened at the idea. He immediately noticed.

"Mac? You okay?"

Concern, real concern was visible in his eyes.

"No, I'm…Jeez I can't explain."

He kissed her temple, a reassuring gesture, giving her goose bumps.

"Try, we've got all night. Just say what's eating you. I'll help you if I can. Is this still about our friends, or mom and Frank?"

"No, no, this is about you. You and me. The way you found me."

"What about that?"

"Harm, I'm a stripper. I take my clothes off for money. That's a very long way down the drain for a former Marine."

When he didn't reply, she turned in his arms, forcing herself to look into his eyes. The truth was always in his eyes, even if his words were telling another story.

"Were you not the least bit repulsed by what I was doing on that stage when you walked in? Can you honestly sit here, holding me like this without wondering how many men saw me or even touched me before you walked into my life again? I know you Harm, or at least I did, and you hate places like the club."

She shivered, bracing herself for the truth.

"Sarah…what can I say? Of course I never figured you'd become a stripper, but there's no need to be ashamed of yourself and I'm not one tiny bit ashamed of you either. I'm glad I found you, glad you agreed to come back and get your life back together, and I'm very, very happy on a more personal level to have my friend back and to see if we can take this relationship to the next level."

"But you'd be dating a stripper!"

She knew she was pushing it, but she had to be sure. If he would ever change his mind it would be the end of her.

"Former stripper. You're not working in the club any more. So I won't be dating a stripper, I'll be dating a Jarhead. A beautiful strong Marine I happen to be very much in love with and very proud of. Besides…"

He grinned a full Flyboy grin at her again.

"Besides what…?"

He kissed her slightly parted lips.

"The moment I realized it was you on that stage, I realized something else too."

"You did?"

"Uh-huh. I realized that all these guys could only see the showgirl, the outside. A very beautiful outside, but nothing more. But I? I get access to your soul, Sarah, to your heart, your being…nobody can take that away from me."

There she went again, crying, with relief this time. His eyes told her he was telling her the truth, his clarity a soothing balm on her bruised self-image.

"Just so you know, I only danced. I was offered good money to…you know, but I always only danced. I haven't…"

She cringed at the thought.

"I know, I know, sweetheart."

He kissed her temples, her forehead, her swollen eyelids, before reaching her lips again.

This kiss was more tender than the other ones, but turned more passionate after a while. When they parted, she looked at him, vulnerability in her eyes.

"Harm…I can't…not tonight, not…"

"I know, it's okay, we don't have to. We've got all the time in the world for making love. But I'd like to hold you tonight, if that's okay…"

"Yes, please. I…that would be wonderful."

They fell asleep in each other's arms shortly after that.

The next morning came with lots of sun and new resolve for both of them. Harm made the necessary telephone call to his mom. As he had expected, Trish had no problem with Mac's presence. She was way too glad her son had found the woman he loved again. He elaborated very little about the circumstances in which he'd found her and at his request, she promised not to ask any questions unless Mac indicated she was ready to talk.

During the drive, Mac pointed out a small boutique in one of San Diego's shopping area's.

"Harm, do we have time to do some shopping?"

"I guess so. Why?"

"Well, first of all, I'm a woman, which is enough reason. And second, all I've taken with me are my best pairs of jeans and some old sweaters. I never needed more after…work…I don't want to face you mom and stepfather with this tattered outfit."

He wanted to point out she looked fine to him and always would, but he could understand her request. New clothes were just a part of her new life and he couldn't deny her the pleasure.

"Very well, shopping it is. You have something in mind?"

"Well, I need a new pair of pants, some nice shirts, new shoes, a summer dress, oooh, and a bikini of course, and…"

Her voice, excited and girlish trailed off as Harm found a parking space. With a happy laugh she hurried across the street while he locked up the car. He caught up with her at the window display of the boutique they'd passed.

"Can we go in?"

"That's the whole idea of shopping, isn't it?"

She shot him a half amused, half annoyed glace before stepping in.

Within minutes, Harm was all but discarded at the doorstep while Mac, giddy as a schoolgirl, plundered rack after rack of shirts, blouses, pants and dresses, disappearing between the curtains of the dressing space countless times, proudly showing him outfit after outfit.

"This is so very Pretty Woman", she gushed.

"So does that mean I'll be paying for this little escapade?"

"Would you? Thanks sweetie-pie."

She blew him a kiss and a sassy wink and he would probably have been annoyed or even insulted if he hadn't been this crazy in love. Whatever, he could afford it.

After a solid hour of shopping, she had gathered a nice pile of clothes and accessories (a girl needed her accessories) and was finally, finally ready to go. She came out from behind the curtains wearing a strapless white summer dress with red flowers and a flowing skirt. She looked young, carefree and absolutely gorgeous.

"You like, Sailor?"

"Me like indeed."

On a more serious tone: "You look amazing, Sarah."

"Wait until you see me back in uniform…"

Shocked, he didn't know what to answer. This was the first time she'd mentioned her life back in the military…so she did want to go back…

_Onether chapter coming..._


	7. Chapter 7

**AN**: Here we go, another one for you to enjoy...any "clever" remarks are stated in last chapter

**Disclaimer**: See all previous chapters...not mine then, not mine now.

CHAPTER SEVEN

She smiled when he remained silent, a knowing smile, than turned to the woman behind the counter, who'd been watching this obviously besotted couple with an amused expression on her face. Amused and…well…Mac couldn't blame her. Harm in summer whites was quite the site!

"Can I keep this one on?"

"Of course, dear, let me just cut off the labels."

Looking around him, Harm grabbed the pile of clothes and other stuff she'd collected and handed it to the saleswoman with a sigh that suggested reluctant surrender.

"I guess we'll be taking these as well."

Mac, who hadn't taken her earlier comment all that seriously, now shrieked as the saleswomen, undeterred, began to process the sales and putting them in bags. The bill that came out was simply ridiculous, as was the fact Harm handed over his credit card without as much as a glance.

"Harm…Harm! Not everything…you can't do that!"

"I can. In fact, I just did."

"I'll repay you, I promise."

"You can."

He gathered the bags, handing her some of them so he could open the door, watched by the saleswoman from the doorstep.

"Thank you, come again."

He answered her customary greeting with a famous Flyboy grin.

"Not a chance, ma'am."

She laughed at that, feeling her 51-year old knees go wobbly. She was a woman after all and this handsome piece of work should not be allowed to walk around without a warning label. Something like "Guard your eyes, armed with lethal smile and matching butt."

The fact he was wearing his perfectly tailored summer whites didn't help either.

She envied the woman sashaying out of her shop. Oh well. At least she sold more in 70 minutes than she normally would all day. Or week.

Outside, Mac put her bags on the backseat of the SUV, still wondering what he meant by his last statement.

"Harm, what did you mean?"

"When?" He was busy grabbing even more bags. How much did they buy, anyway?

"When you just said I could repay you. I don't have all that much money, you know."

He grinned at her while he helped her get in like the gentleman he was. Even though she didn't need his help, she acknowledged the gesture as something very typically Harm. And very sweet indeed.

"I know. It's not what I meant. Like I said, I can afford it. Don't worry about the cash."

"Than what…" He hushed her with a small kiss as he climbed into the driver's seat.

"The moment you're back into that uniform, being the true marine I know you are, that's when you'll have repaid me. In full."

"You're not even sure that's gonna happen, Harm. You gotta keep in mind that the USMC might not want to reinstate me at all."

"I know. But I won't consider that possibility until I really have to. I'm still counting on the Admiral to do whatever he can to have you back."

She remained silent, again thinking about her CO and all the friends she'd left behind. Why anybody would go through any kind of trouble was, at this point, beyond her.

"Stop doubting yourself, Mac. Please. The Admiral cares deeply about you. So do Bud and Harriet, they all do…well, maybe except for Singer."

At least it brought a wan smile to her face. Gently he lifted her chin with his index finger.

"And as for me…you know how much I care for you, you know I…I love you."

He said it again. If he continued like that, he might even convince her this was all going to work out. O boy, did she want to be convinced. She leaned over to kiss him.

"I love you too, Harm."

"See? It'll all be just fine. Now, better keep your pretty six on your seat, I gotta watch the road."

She grinned as he started the car and got them moving again.

As they sped across the highway, radio on, the sun warming them, Mac felt better with every mile that separated her from San Diego. Nothing wrong with that city, but she was done there, leaving nothing of importance behind.

For the first time since that year, she allowed herself to dream the happy dreams again, some of them on the verge of coming true. She was with Harm, soon maybe even really with him, in every meaning of the word. She was moving back to DC, where she would meet her friends again. Harm had to be right. They would welcome her back with open arms. She didn't want to consider any other outcome.

The only dream playing through her mind that she didn't dare to think about yet, was her reinstatement. When she'd mentioned wearing her uniform again to Harm, he'd seemed pleased to hear she was looking forward to it, but she wouldn't let herself believe it until it was true.

After all, she did quit. She did resign her commission, wasn't forced to walk away from her accomplishments when the going got a little too tough. A rueful smile crossed her face for a while. Great choice she'd made. When the going gets tough, the tough…resign? Run? Become a stripper? How about good old Semper-fi? Would she ever become that faithful Marine again?

"Mac? You asleep?"

She came back to this world with a bang, not quite sleeping, but not very coherent either.

"Not really, just…thinking."

He glanced at her over the rim of his aviator sunglasses, making him look concerned as well as sexy. How did he pull that off?

"Worrying?"

Damn, he knew her too well. He would know if she was lying too.

"A bit. I mean…"

He pulled over, knowing it would take some time to talk the next crisis out of her pretty head, which of course he couldn't do if he had to watch the road constantly. Turning to her, he shut the engine off.

"There's a picnic space a few yards from here. Let's take a break."

Without waiting for her answer, he grabbed the sandwiches and bottled water they'd bought earlier at a gas station. Looking over his shoulder, he saw her follow him. He smiled when he saw she'd even remembered to take the blanket from the backseat. It was hidden behind so many bags he'd forgotten about it himself.

She carefully spread out the blanket underneath a tree and took a seat on it. Harm handed her one of the sandwiches and a bottle and for a moment they ate in silence, Mac's worries placed on the backburner for now.

Harm grinned when even Mac, who could normally eat about anything (Beltway Burgers included) made a face at the piece of cardboard which was supposedly eatable.

"I know it's not a gourmet lunch, but suck it up, Marine. It's the best I could find."

On a second whim, he added:

"I'll cook you real food every day when we get home."

She seemed to cheer up at the thought of that promise.

"I missed your food, Stick Boy."

He grinned at the use of one of his nicknames, when suddenly her facial expression dropped again.

"You keep calling me Marine…"

"You'll be a Marine again, soon enough."

"You still believe that, don't you?"

"What, don't you? The Admiral will come through for you, I'm willing to bet my six on that."

"Don't. You'd make a large female population very unhappy if you lost that sexy six of yours."

"Including you?"

"Especially me."

"Thanks for the compliment…meanwhile, you're avoiding the subject."

Damn him again! He did know her too well.

"Am not."

"Are too. And don't you turn this into a toddler version of a fight here!"

"Wasn't."

"Were. You still are. Now, finish your sandwich and talk to me."

"Don't talk to me like I'm a child."

He stuck out his tongue playfully. "Stop acting like one!"

_Full blown fight? Finally talking? Find out when next chapters come...thanks for reading as always, my faithfull readers..._


	8. Chapter 8

**AN**: She's Baaaaaack! She's haaaappy! She's hit the big THREE-ZERO this week! I want you to share in this birthday cheer, with TWO new chapters of this story AND with a new one-parter, all on the same day. Now how do you like that?

**Disclaimer**: I got DJE for my birthday...oh, wait, that was my dream birthday...oh well...

_On with it..._

CHAPTER EIGHT

Finishing his last piece of cardboard sandwich, gulping it down with some water, he leaned back against the tree trunk.

"Come here."

Tenderly he folded her in his arms, with her back leaning comfortably against his chest, like the night before…

"Ouch!"

The gold wings were poking at her again.

He relented with a small chuckle, letting go of her to discard the upper part of his uniform, though careful not to crease the delicate fabric even more. It had barely survived the reckless tossing on the bedroom floor and while Mac had taken a shower, he'd even taken out the ironing board. So he liked his shirts neat and crisp. Sue him. He wouldn't ever tell her though, he would never hear the end of it.

He shed the undershirt too, might as well give her all she wanted (or so he hoped). And get a little tan in the process.

His chuckle turned into a warm laugh as he caught her unabashedly ogling him.

"You enjoying the view, Ninja Girl?"

"You have no idea."

"Anything to get me stripping, huh?"

"Well, I've had my share of that, now it's your turn."

She snuggled back against his bare broad chest, enjoying being held by him. And the fact he seemed to have forgotten, again, about the 'subject'.

"Now, spill."

Or not.

"Thought you'd get away with it?"

She had, obviously, but she didn't dignify him with an answer. Instead, she relented, knowing Harm was like a pit bull when it came to interrogating. So she said the first thing that came to mind.

"What if I can't do it…"

He nuzzled her neck, which made her shiver.

"I'm not sure they've invented Viagra for women yet…"

"Get your head out of the gutter, Squid. That's not what I meant."

She poked him in the ribs until he managed to get serious again. But at last he was, serious and focused, intensely focused.

"What do you mean, Sarah…please tell me, please trust me."

"What if I can't be a Marine again? I mean…what if I get reinstated and just…blow it all to pieces? What if I let you down, after all you've done for me?"

She shivered again, this time from the panic she'd managed to talk herself into.

Harm ran his hands along her bare arms in an attempt to both comfort and warm her, allowing himself some time to compose his answer. To collaborate with her fear might kill her, break her teetering spirit. To deny her fear would probably accomplish the same thing. He had to be diplomatic, walk on eggshells.

"You know what Derek told me?"

She half turned to him, an incredulous look on her face.

"You talked to the bouncer?"

"Of course I did. I had to convince him to let me into you dressing room."

"Of course. But…what did he tell you?"

"He told me how you handled yourself when guys tried to pick you up after work."

"So? What does that prove?"

"It proves that you can still take care of yourself. That you still stand strong. Mac, whether you believe me or not, you ARE a Marine, every inch a Marine. There's no way you could ever let me down."

He remembered something else.

"When we were in your dressing room, you knew how to get me out of my stupor. You were still in your robe, barefoot, but your tone of voice almost made me believe we were in combat somewhere. Remember: you even outrank me."

"I did, didn't I?"

She smiled at the memory. Maybe he was right. Maybe she could do it…

"You certainly did. I mean it, Sarah…you could never ever let me down."

She turned fully around now, kissing him with every power and every inch of love she felt coursing through her.

They parted, both gasping, after a few minutes.

"Now, no more talking in circles, Marine. Stop upsetting yourself. There's no need. Got that?"

She snapped off a mock salute, but her eyes were brimming with unshed tears. She just loved him so much for standing by her.

"Sir, yes sir!"

"Good. Wanna give me a hand cleaning up? We'd better get back on the road. We'll be home before dinner."

"Oh good, dinner!"

"Mac…we just had lunch!"

"And your point is…"

"Never mind."

She playfully stuck her tongue out at him, astonishing him. How did she manage to go from the depths of hell to the brightest sunshine in a mere matter of seconds? He shrugged, laughing with her. Whatever the reason, he was glad he'd gotten her out of her dark mood.

The drive up his mother's and stepfather's La Jolla house didn't take them long after that, and even though he was tired after a day at the wheel, he was still very glad to see both of them again. He didn't even have to honk his horn. Frank was already at the porch.

"Harm."

"Frank, good to see you."

Harm shook the other man's hand. He was glad he and Frank were starting to get a bit closer together. The wound that was left after learning about his dad's fate hadn't totally faded, but at least now he was mature enough to value his stepfather for the kind and gentle man he was. A good man for his mom too; their marriage a happy one.

"Same here."

He passed Harm to help a dark haired woman who was struggling with lots of bags. If he remembered his stepson's late friend Diane and saw the remarkable resemblance, he didn't let on. He just put a smile on his face and extended his hand.

"You must be Mac."

Awkwardly, she struggled one hand free to answer his greeting.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Burnett."

"Please, call me Frank. Let me give you a hand with this stuff here. Harm, your mom is on the patio with some refreshments."

"Thanks, Frank. Can you handle Mac's things?"

"No problem, I'll go put everything in the guestroom, show her around. Go see your mom."

Harm thanked the other man again, than took off to the patio to find Trish, who was already pouring iced tea into tall glasses.

"Hi mom."

"Harm!"

God, the boy looked more like his father every time she saw him. It didn't disturb her though. She had loved Harmon Rabb sr. and was proud of their son. Even though she couldn't quite reach him to give him a proper hug.

Before she knew it, he'd picked her up and swooped her in his arms.

"Harmon Rabb junior, let me go!"

He laughed and gave her another spin before setting her down.

"And here I thought you were happy to see me."

"I am, and you know it…where's our guest?"

"Upstairs with Frank. He's showing her the guestroom, so she can settle in."

_Next chapter coming right up..._


	9. Chapter 9

**AN**: Happy birthday to me...;-)

**Disclaimer**: I'm sure DJE was on my wish-list...oh well...

_On with it..._

CHAPTER NINE

As Harm and his mom were talking outside, Frank led Mac to the spacious guestroom and adjoining bathroom, putting the bags down at the foot end of the quilted covered queen-sized bed.

"I suppose you can unpack these later. Bathroom is right through that door. Help yourself to some towels and whatever else you might need, okay?"

Mac nodded. She thought she might like Frank. He was kind and very forward, but at the same time seemed to respect her privacy, for he didn't ask awkward questions or even look at her oddly.

"Thanks, Frank, you and Trish, for…for everything."

"No problem whatsoever. We like having people around, there's plenty of room, and if you're a friend of Harm, than you are always welcome with us."

She sat down on the edge of the bed, mindlessly tracing the patters on the quilt with her index finger, lost in thoughts.

A friend of Harm, Frank had named her. She knew she was of course, might even slowly become more. She sure wanted to be, always had. Still, everything that had happened today and last night, kept fading in and out of her tired mind, until she really couldn't say whether or not she'd been dreaming. What if she woke up tomorrow in her bed in San Diego and all these events had just been in figment of her imagination? Just wishful thinking?

"Mac, you okay?"

She shook herself out of her reverie, finding herself still in the Burnett's guestroom, with a concerned Frank standing in the doorway.

"Yeah, yeah, I guess…"

"So much to think about, huh?"

"Too much to think about. I just wish I could get things lined up the right way in my head. I'm so tired, so confused. I wish to God I'm not dreaming, but to face this as a reality…I'm just so tired."

The older man approached her cautiously, holding out his hand.

"It doesn't have to become clear right away, Mac. I don't know what you've been through and I don't need to know if you're not ready to tell, but you're safe here. It's a beautiful place and a beautiful surrounding to get some rest. Allow your mind to take a break."

He tentatively put his hand on her shoulder.

"Let's get back to Harm and Trish again, get you something to drink and we'll start dinner. You look hungry."

"I'm always hungry."

Frank smiled at that.

"Yeah, Harm has mentioned that once. Now, let's go. I could use a cold drink myself."

She quietly followed him out.

When she got outside, she heard snippets of the conversation Harm had with his mom. She had to smile when she first witnessed him and his mom interact. He could be such a big baby sometimes…

Trish had just put a full glass in front of him, which he gratefully gulped down in one go.

"Where are your manners boy?"

His response was so automatic, it couldn't possibly be sincere.

"Sorry mom."

She refilled his glass with a smile, though. Like on most other women, his smirk worked wonders on her. Most of the time.

"So…how's she doing?"

Harm allowed himself a grin. At least he knew where his blunt forwardness came from.

"I'm not sure. One moment she seems happy to go back, the other moment her mood switches and she's nervous, gloomy, almost scared."

"Can you blame her? She hasn't seen anybody of you guys in what, a year? And now she's being whisked away to face a past she might not be ready to face yet."

"I don't blame her, mom. I couldn't. I just wish I knew how to get through to her."

"You did, Harm."

He turned at the sound of Mac's voice behind him. She looked a bit cautious, but at least she was smiling. He didn't miss the doubt in her eyes though.

Quickly he stood up, pulling her in his arms, a tender gesture that didn't go unnoticed by his mother and stepfather. Behind him, Trish winked at her husband. It was good to see her son in love.

"You think you can be comfortable here, Ninja girl?"

She nodded, looking at him.

"I'll be fine here Harm. At least I'll have some peaceful surroundings to get everything straight in my head. Thanks for getting me here. I'll work it out."

"I hope so, Sarah…I hope you'll get that spunk back. I hope you'll believe in yourself again, enough to know in your heart you can be you again. A Marine if that's what you want to be, or anything else you want to become, or do, or have. Anything, Mac. I want you to know you can have anything, do anything, accomplish anything. I want you to trust in that, as I do. As I trust in you."

She wouldn't cry, she refused to cry again, even if his words burned a hole into her soul. He believed in her so completely, so…proudly, she was so overwhelmed…but she wouldn't cry. She already was.

Trying to hide her real feelings, she pounded his chest with a small fist.

"Stop the Hallmark moment, please Harm. I don't wanna cry in front of your parents."

He chuckled, knowing he had to lighten the mood. He hadn't meant her to break down, but he somehow had to convince her he was there for her.

"And here I though you liked Hallmark moments."

"Normally I do, but not when I'm starring in it."

"You're a star always."

"Whatever you say, sweetheart. Now what's for dinner? Hungry soon-to-be-reinstated-Marine here!"

Trish stood up, laughing.

"That's my cue."

She was touched at the little display of affection she'd just witnessed, but was careful not to let them see it. Inside, she was cheering, though. Her son, the guarded one, always in control, had just shown more real emotion in ten seconds than he had ever done, especially since Christmas 1969.

And if Mac was the lady of his choice, as she had frankly always suspected, she was okay with that. No, more than okay. This guarded creature he'd brought in just needed some back-up. She was a wonderful woman underneath all the doubts and insecurities. Trish couldn't wait to be alone with her.

For now, though, she enjoyed having her son around.

"Mom, let me give you a hand."

She determinedly pushed him away from the kitchen doors.

"No need. You sit down with your girl. Frank can set the table for us."

When he objected, she cut him off, whispering.

"Get back to that girl, Harm. She needs you close. I can cook, you know."

Harm understood and gave his mom a quick hug.

"You're the best mom. Thanks. For…"

"I know, son. She'll be okay. Trust me."

"You know I do. That's why I brought her over here."

"Smart idea."

"I have those, from time to time."

"Once, every decade or so," she agreed.

"Gee thanks."

"You had that one coming, dear boy, now get out of my kitchen!"

"Yes, ma'am!"

He hurried outside, laughing, looking for Mac. Softly chuckling as he found her collapsed on her chair, sound asleep.

"Mom, you'd better set a plate aside for Mac, I think she's more exhausted than hungry. I'll get her upstairs.

Carefully he lifted her in his arms, carried her upstairs and into the guestroom, where he laid her down on the bed.

He covered her with the quilt, not daring to undress her in case she'd wake up. He kissed her forehead.

"Goodnight, Sarah."

As he silently closed the door, she opened her eyes a little, smiled in herself, before promptly falling asleep again.

_Oke, let's give her some rest. Next chapter(s) coming up soon. Reviews much appreciated_


	10. Chapter 10

**AN**: This is the second posting of my 10th chapter, is something went wrong (I think) I hope this will work.

**AN**: Be prepared for a little more darknessas another secretof Mac's past year is revealed...

**Disclaimer**: DJE was delivered on my dorstep by FedEx. I won't return him. Do I have to? Oh well...

_On with it..._

CHAPTER TEN

She'd hoped she would be able to sleep through the whole night. Hoping the dreams would stay away. No such luck. The images that plagued her this night, alone in the strange bed in the silent bedroom, were those of a filthy rundown building in a poor district.

She could almost smell the chemical stench that somehow seemed to hang over any hospital or clinic, as her dream alter ego was asked to fill in an anonymous health questionnaire, before being taken down to a room with a steel table covered with paper. She was put down on it.

A doctor (or so she assumed) approached her and asked her to spread her legs. Than the torture began.

The pain was beyond belief. The soothing words from the nurse standing by hardly registered as she felt the life she was carrying being sucked out of her. She wanted to scream, but no sound came out of her throat. All she could think was 'I'm so sorry, baby, I'm so sorry, so sorry…'

Then it was over. She was handed some napkins to swipe the sheen of sweat from her face. They forced her to take some painkillers and wadded some sanitary towels between her legs. She had no idea how bad she was bleeding. Everything was numb.

Half an hour later she stood outside again, wobbling, crying and shaking. Nobody took notice of her as she slowly, step by step, walked out of the street, passing by a young mother and her child on the way …to where?

Mac woke up after the unnerving dream, breathing heavily, covered in sweat. She had to get up, get out of bed, out of this room. Quickly she got out of the rumpled dress and found one of Harm's shirts to wear. As silently as possible, she went downstairs.

In the kitchen, she found her way in the many drawers and closets and came up with a mug, the sugar and some teabags. Making herself some hot strong tea, she sat down at the table to think.

It was the one thing she hadn't told Harm. Hell, come to think of it, she had banished the awful saga so deep in the very corners of her mind, she only now remembered she hadn't even brought it up.

Could she tell him? He was so happy he'd found her, he'd been so relieved to find out she still wanted to be a Marine (she did want to be a Marine), but when he would hear this…

He would hate her, he'd be repulsed by her actions. She would be if the roles were reversed. Even if being a stripper didn't matter to him, certainly he would draw the line at abortion. He was Harm after all, one of the most honorable people she knew. This would go against everything he'd ever believed in. How could she ever face him after she'd told him? But could she live with the secret if she didn't?

Harm woke up, momentarily confused by his surroundings. Where was he again? Soon though, he recognized the familiar shadows of his childhood toys. He was in La Jolla, in his old bedroom. And Mac was there too, hopefully still sound asleep. Come to think of it, why wasn't he? What time was it?

He glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand. 02.56. What had made him wake up at this hour? Normally he was an easy sleeper, if not plagued by haunting dreams about plane crashes and wide oceans. So something had startled him.

Turning on the lights, he stood up to check downstairs, pulling on a tattered old sweater with a "US Naval Academy" print on it, on his way down. It was as old as his days at the academy, and originally not even his. If he remembered correctly, he'd borrowed it from Keeter and had forgotten to give it back. Oh well, not like he would miss it. But he did miss his friend. Note to self: call Keeter.

The lights were on in the kitchen and a slim figure clad in one of his t-shirts was sitting at the table, holding a mug of hot tea.

For a moment, Harm stood there, sucking up her beauty, even of she still looked so…vulnerable. Careful as not to startle her, he sat next to her.

"Hi Marine. Awfully late for a tea party."

"Couldn't sleep anymore."

As an afterthought: "Did I wake you?"

He shrugged. "Don't know. Something did. Couldn't sleep anymore either."

He stood up, grabbed himself a mug and made himself some tea.

"Want some more?"

As an answer, she handed him her mug.

Taking careful sips from the hot liquid, he sat down next to her again, mulling over how to proceed. He didn't want to force her into telling him how she felt, but he didn't like her silence either.

"Any reason why you couldn't sleep?"

She gave a rueful smile, stirring some sugar into her tea, but not drinking from it.

"Too silent."

"What do you mean?"

"Harm, normally I wouldn't even be home yet at this hour. And when I got there, all I had was one tiny bedroom for myself. You've seen it. I haven't had any real privacy, any piece and quiet for…for this entire year. And now that I'm away from it, it's taking some getting used to, to the quiet I mean. I can actually hear myself think. Does that make sense?"

He gave her a questioning look, wanting to hear more, but not daring to ask. She beat him to it.

"I know you're probably wondering about what it's like, you know, the stripping…to tell you the truth: it was awful. I hated it. I might have been good at it, but I hated it. It's degrading and I always thought I'd put the degrading part of my life behind me. But…"

She sipped her tea, more to gather her jumbling thoughts than to quench her thirst. Then, carefully choosing her next words, she continued.

"At least nobody asked any questions, nobody needed credentials, or diploma's. Nothing wrong with my body and my mind wasn't important. No paper trail, no credit cards, everything cash. A year ago, that was all I thought I wanted. Not to think, almost not to exist."

He nodded, but still had the eerie feeling she still wasn't telling him everything. Even more so than yesterday, a dark, moody cloud hung over her. Something bothered her, and obviously she was afraid to tell him.

"That's not all, is it?"

"What?"

"You heard me, Mac. I know now might not be the best time in the world, but you've been gloomy for a lot more reasons than you've told me so far. This can't be all about coming back to DC."

He grabbed her shaking hands in his own, gently caressing her knuckles.

"Sarah, whatever it is, you can tell me…did you start drinking again?"

She nodded silently, than shook her head immediately after that, confusing him.

"Yes, no, I mean…I did start drinking again. Just for a while, after…after all that had happened. But I managed to get a grip on it and I haven't had a drink in two months."

He sighed with relief. Her drinking again had been his first idea on the list of possibilities concerning her dark mood.

Number two was even worse, though. He hardly knew how to ask, but he'd taken the first step and there was no turning back.

"Did something happen at the club, someone trying to hurt you?"

Again, she shook her head, this time even managing a laugh.

"Sweet Sailor, someone always tried to get to us, that's why we had Derek. And I can still fight like a Marine, remember?"

This time, she squeezed his hands in silent comfort.

"Nobody got close enough to me to let that happen."

"Then what? Are you sick, dying, wanted for murder, having someone's twins?"

He'd meant the last words as a joke, as a way to vent his ever growing frustration, but seeing her shock, he halted the tumbling of his words.

"Oh my God. Is that it Sarah? Are you…are you having a baby?"

Breathe Mac, he's close to the truth, but he doesn't know it yet. Calm down and prepare yourself.

Interpreting her moment of silence the wrong way, the train of his thoughts derailed in its speed. Pregnant. No wonder she was upset. So this wasn't his baby. Didn't matter, he would help her take care of it. At least the father didn't seem to be around and he would deal with those questions later.

"Oh God, Mac, if that's the case, don't worry about it. We can handle it together if you want to. I mean, I can raise a child, we always wanted a child together, remember? So we're gonna be okay, unless… you're healthy right? Nothing threatening the baby?"

"Harm…"

"We should have gotten you maternity clothes. And you should get a doctor's appointment soon, just to make sure. I can take you there, maybe even tomorrow…"

"HARM!"

At her frustrated scream, he finally ended his rambling, slightly panting from the effort. Now that she had his attention again, she looked straight at him. Taking a deep, calming breath, she braced herself for what was about to come.

"Harm, I'm not pregnant. Not any more."

He only looked confused, until his initial questions were replaced by a sickening feeling rising up from his stomach, a fear that was confirmed by her next words:

"I had an abortion."

_How will Harm react? Read the next chapter..._


	11. Chapter 11

**AN**: Don't you worry, I'll make sure they'll work it out. I'm their master, I can do that.

I'd like to dedicate this chapter to one special reader, TV Angel 711,who reads all my stories andgives the kindestreviews on every single chapter chapter of every single story I've written so far. Readers like you are the biggest inspiration a person can get and I thank you.

**Disclaimer**: I'm their master, I've got them hypnotized...not credible, huh? Oh well...

_On with it..._

CHAPTER ELEVEN

For long, endless stretching minutes, it remained perfectly silent in the kitchen, only the antique clock was ticking away, indicating that, indeed, time still passed.

Sarah had put her head in her hands and was crying silently, shoulders shaking. She wasn't even sure what made her more sad: the fact that it finally sunk into her head that the act of an abortion was an irreversible one, that she could never have it undone, that she would have to live with the decision from now on, not even having the moral right to mourn the baby that was never to be?

Or was it the fact that Harm had briskly stood up from the table and was now standing in the furthest corner away from her. Looking small and defeated. Like somebody had punched him in the gut.

He would never forgive her for this. She knew it. She couldn't blame him either. She would never forgive herself, so why would he?

Even if this wasn't his baby, she knew he would have gladly helped her take care of it. If she'd stayed in DC, he would have stood by her, accepting the child as his own, maybe someday even adopt it.

Why? Why had she run? Why had she thrown away her dream on a steel table with just a stranger to guide her through it; a stranger who'd seen so many people cross the doorstep that she was probably immune to their emotions.

There was no excuse. She was so revolted by her own actions, she felt the tea surging back up again. She barely made it to the sink before heaving it all back up, slumping against the cool tile floor when there was nothing left in her stomach but some bile. God, it hurt.

But, somehow, as a heaven sent, it had shaken Harm back to the real world. Immediately he was by her side, helping her up, filling a glass of water, holding it in front of her as her hands were too shaky to take it from him.

"Drink."

It didn't sound all that kind, but she was so happy to hear him speak again, she did as he ordered.

After a few sips, she coughed and spluttered and he set the glass aside to pat her back.

"You okay?"

This was good, this was concern. But she most definitely wasn't okay. She shook her head violently.

"Harm…I…I…kill…killed my baby. I just, oh God help me, I…"

She would never have believed it five minutes before, but he was there, again. Making soft soothing sounds, he pulled her on his lap, rocking her against his chest.

Yes, he was shocked, disappointed, maybe even mad. Whatever had happened between them and even though this could never have been his baby, the fact she'd just…but he was partially to blame, the guilt he'd felt in the dressing room resurfacing.

So sad, they'd given the other one so little chance. So damn sad.

After a while, the crying reduced to sniffles and the wet bundle in his arms shivered. He scolded himself when only now he remembered she was only wearing a t-shirt.

For the second time in a few hours he lifted her in his arms and, ignoring her protests, carried her up the stairs, back into the guestroom, gently setting her on the bed before covering her with the blankets and the quilt.

"There now, wouldn't want you to catch pneumonia in the drafty kitchen."

She gave a wan smile.

"Harm, this is a modern villa, it's hardly drafty."

"Do you have to contradict me every time I open my mouth?"

"Depends on what comes out of it. Usually nothing very intelligent."

He grinned, recognizing her 'joke your way out of a painful situation' approach. His grin faded when, even though she was covered head to toe by the blankets, she shivered again.

Not allowing himself a moment to reconsider, he crawled in next to her, taking her in his arms.

"Harm! What will your mom think?"

"She'll think I'm not sixteen anymore and thank God you're not Jessica McAffee from next door."

"I smell a story here."

"There is, I'll tell you some other time. But not now, now you need to tell me a few things."

She resigned, shoulders slumping against him in silent surrender.

"I knew you wouldn't let the subject go."

He gave her shoulder a squeeze.

"Don't you think it's a little too important to brush over?"

She remained silent, opting to let him start, since she didn't have a clue how to.

"When?"

Simple enough, that start. Just tell him.

"A few days after I left DC. I had it done almost as soon as I got to San Diego. It was awful, Harm."

The shudder running through her had nothing to do with the cold and he acknowledged her pain at the memory with a soft brush from his lips to her temple. She relaxed a little, feeling he wasn't mad at her.

His next question was more of a statement, that only required a nod of confirmation.

"Mic's baby."

Silently, she waited for his next move. Soon, he would ask the question she dreaded to answer, not sure if she even knew the answer herself.

"Why?"

Yup, that's the one. Right on cue.

"Because this baby…"

She faltered, as the real answer became clear to her for the first time since she'd been at the clinic. She'd known it back then, but could she tell him, now that she recalled?

"Go on Sarah,"

He kindly encouraged her, nuzzling her neck a little in an attempt to give her some mental support. He felt the initial madness fade away and all he was left with was the sad feeling of defeat he always felt when he was too late or had done too little to save someone. Like he couldn't have saved this baby. Or its mom.

She heaved a deep sigh and he felt her muscles tighten beneath his grasp, as if she was preparing herself for a fight. Maybe, on some level, he supposed she was.

"Because this baby…wasn't…"

Good, good, getting there, one step at a time…

"Wasn't yours."

There it was. The bomb was dropped, Pandora's box wide open. Next move should come from him.

This time, he felt his own muscles contract. A conversation, a promise made some years ago, almost forgotten as life took it's natural course, now jumped back to the front of his mind, clear as daylight.

"Going halves on a baby…"

He muttered, not realizing he'd said it out loud until Mac slightly turned in his arms. Apparently, the fact he remembered, was enough to open the flood of explanations and feelings that flowed out of her mouth.

"I was never supposed to have his child. I was taking the pill when I was with Mic. I must have forgotten to take it once, and guess what? He hit the jackpot. Then everything else happened. Your crash, the postponed wedding, the cancellation, Mic leaving me, you and Renée… than I found out I didn't miss my period just because of all the stress…"

"You should have come to me, Mac. I would have helped you raise the baby. We all would. Things like that happen, there was nothing to be ashamed of…"

His voice sounded calm, but she could feel the strain in the edges, knowing how much strength it took him to keep the accusations from taking over. Accusations he might not have a right to make, but still…he'd always been her friend, and as such, she had abandoned him, misjudged and mistrusted him and she knew it. He had every right to be mad at her for that.

"I know, but…I panicked. I always wanted to be a mom, but I waited and waited until that wonderful pink cloud of bliss that every pregnant woman is apparently supposed to have hanging around her showed up for me, but it never came. I figured that if I didn't, or rather, couldn't feel anything for this child, than it was better off not being born at all."

She looked up at him, saw unshed tears of frustration pooling in the corner of his eyes.

"I'm a murderer, a horrible person. I'll understand if you'd want to leave me here. I can take care of myself, I'll have to learn to live with my mistake, but you don't have to. I don't want to hurt you, Harm."

She was beginning to disentangle herself from him, just to beat him to it, convinced as she was that their friendship was now officially and irreversibly over and done with.

"Where do you think you're going?"

Instead of loosening his grip, he held on tighter, confusing her.

"Harm, I…" That was as far as she got.

_So now what? Read and find out with the next update...won't be too long, I promise. Meanwhile, reviews of any and all kind still much appreciated._


	12. Chapter 12

**AN**: She's baaaack. With a little fluff just to outbalance the dread in the last chapters. You honestly didn't think I would let them drift apart again, now did you?

**Disclaimer**: I was thinking about letting you help me make up funny disclaimers, but than I'd have to put a disclaimer on the disclaimer, claiming that the disclaimers aren't mine, because claiming that they were would be a lie and ...oh, forget it! Not mine. The characters that is. This disclaimer is mine. Not following? Don't blame you. Oh well...

_Best get on with it..._

CHAPTER TWELVE

He cut her off with a searing kiss that was so far off her radar that it scared her more than any kind of words could ever do.

She imagined she tasted salt on his lips, but when he let go of her lips, she saw that the tears blinking in his eyes were now falling. So it wasn't her mind playing tricks on her.

"Harm?"

"I'm okay, Mac. It's okay."

"No Harm, it's definitely not. I just told you I have…you know, and instead of running, you cling to me? Pardon me, but I'm lost here."

"Nope, you're not. Not any more. You're found. And I'm not going to lose you again. I've been through that and I don't wanna go through it again."

"Even after…"

"Yes, even after. After everything."

Excited, he was almost tumbling over his own words, he stood up and started pacing the room like a caged polar bear, anxious to get his point across.

"Mac, just hear me out. Don't say anything. Let me explain a few things to you. I love you…"

"Harm…"

She stood too, trying to come face to face with him, the cold forgotten. He put his finger against her lips, shaking his head.

"No interrupting, please."

She nodded, deciding to climb back between the blankets. Heaving a sigh, he plunged back into his monologue.

"I love you. There's nothing I can do about that. Believe me, I've tried. There's just no point. Problem is, I've always known I love you. And I've always hoped or even suspected you might love me too. So if I'd gotten my head out of my six years ago, I wouldn't have turned you down on that ferry, you would never have run to Brumby, you wouldn't have gotten engaged to him, wouldn't have had a reason to run, might even have carried our child instead if his. Conclusion: I'm as much to blame for this mess as you are."

Finally done, he let go of the remains of his breath and fixed his gaze on her, waiting for her answer.

She was…shocked, though not surprised. He'd done it the day before. But that was just about her leaving, not about her ending her own child's life.

Only Harm. Only Harmon Rabb could turn her mess into his fault. His whole line of thought sounded at once ludicrous and logical. But wrong, so very wrong at the same time. For a strong legislator, he could be so dense sometimes.

What was she to do with this man?

"You're crazy, you know that right?"

"No, I don't know that, I…"

"Shut up, Squid. You've had your spotlight, now let me talk."

He almost comically clenched his jaws. She would have laughed if she wasn't so caught up in the seriousness of this moment.

"You're crazy, Harm. Yes, I am and always have been in love with you. Yes, your rejection at the ferry hurt and it made me run into the arms of a man who did want me. But other than that, whatever happened next, especially the way I dealt with this baby was my responsibility and mine only.

Like you said, I didn't have to run, I could have stayed and accepted your help. I know you would have helped. And Bud and Harriet. But I was too caught up in my own misery to even see all the helping hands stretched out to me. You are not solely to blame for my rather unhealthy state of mind, Harmon Rabb. Contributed to it, certainly, but not to blame. I was supposed to be a smart woman, a Marine. I was supposed to be in control of my emotions."

"I know that, Mac. I wasn't saying you're somehow mentally incapable, but…but I do feel guilty for the part I played in our whole sordid history. So many chances, so many roads to take, and when it concerns us, I consequently take the one leading us only further away from each other. I just want to break that pattern…"

"So do I, Sailor. And I'm sure we will, but before we can, we have to quit looking back, seeking blame, beating each other and ourselves up over everything we did or didn't do or say or mean. I refuse to be the victim, nor instigator and most certainly not the martyr and I want you to do the same."

She reached out to him and he finally sat down next to her again.

"You think you can do that?"

"I'm gonna have to try, right?"

He was too tired to smile, but tried anyway.

"Harm, we're both mature, responsible, intelligent people, but we're not perfect. We've both made mistakes in the past and we'll certainly make more of them in the future. But looking back, mulling over what could, should and would have been won't help us. If you still want us to be together, after all that's happened, despite of who's done what to whom whenever, then we should try to forgive each other and more important, ourselves."

"I do want to, Sarah. More than anything."

"Than promise me you won't heave my mistakes onto your shoulders, and I'll promise you the same."

She grinned, before continuing.

"We both make enough mistakes of our own to take the blame for each other's as well. We might collapse underneath the weight."

"Than we'd better carry it together."

He crawled underneath the blankets with her, taking her soft body in his arms.

"I love you, Sarah MacKenzie. Nothing could ever change that. No past mistakes, no future ones. I promise you that, whatever happens between us, we'll take responsibility together, face everything together. I guess that I have always, subconsciously, tried to protect you."

"I don't need that kind of protection, Harm. I'm a Marine. Or will be one again soon, I hope."

"You really do, don't you?"

"Yeah…the thought of going home makes me feel better ever time I think about it. Just…Harm…can you promise me something else?"

"What?"

"Promise me you won't tell any of them about the…you know…" She couldn't even say it.

"Not even the admiral. Please, I'm so ashamed of what I've done, don't tell them."

He nuzzled her neck again, having discovered her particular soft spot. She gasped at the ripple of pleasure running through her.

"I won't tell anyone. I promise. Now, no more of this. No more shame, no more guilt. You'll be fine, we'll be just fine. And who knows, maybe, one day…"

She smiled at the thought, though she feared that even Harm's child, if she was ever to carry it, could not totally make her forget the one that was never meant to be. Because she chose not to make it happen. But for now she didn't want to ruin Harm's attempt at cheering her up, letting herself be swept away by another kiss, and another one…

"Harm, you wanna change 'one day' into 'right now?"

He grinned, kissing the tip of her nose.

"What are you suggesting, Marine?"

"I'm not sure I've earned the right, the trust to ask you yet, but…"

"You have every right to ask me anything, everything, Sarah. No restrictions."

"Than make love to me, Harm. No restrictions."

"That's the one thing you'll never have to ask for, ever again."

He very gently took off her shirt, his sweater, while tracing kisses all over her body, taking her with him in a whirlpool of love, indeed without restrictions, without boundaries, until, together they fell into a wonderful world of oblivion.

Afterward, slowly and reluctantly returning to earth, he wondered why the sun was already rising. He looked down at the heavenly creature in his arms, covered in a light sheen of sweat, so beautiful it almost hurt to look at. Suddenly, she moved in his arms. He'd been sure she was sleeping.

"What time is it?"

Her drowsy voice broke confirmed his own foggy state of mind. He chuckled. This was new, coming from her.

He had no idea what time it was. In his mind, they'd been going at it for at least an hour. Not that he was complaining, not that he'd heard her complain, and hey, if he actually broke her internal Swiss clock in the process, he must have done something incredibly right…no, that wasn't cocky.

"You mean you don't know?"

That earned him a poke in the ribs.

"I must have lost track of time, something got me preoccupied."

She gave him a sweet smile, musing out loud… "Wonder what that was…"

He huffed indignantly, not able to come up with a retort. She just laughed at his face.

_Hang on for more sickingly sweet fluff..._


	13. Chapter 13

**AN**: Ready for more fluff or are you already hacking up the last piece ;-) ? Just bare with me.

**Disclaimer**: You couldn't possibly stomach another disclaimer like the last one, so I'll just keep it simple. Characters: Not mine. Disclaimer: Mine. Who else could come up with this...whatever you wanna name it. Oh well.

_On with the next piece..._

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

"You know I love you, right Harm?"

He nodded, kissed the top of her head.

"Yeah, I know, though for a moment I thought you were just using me for my body."

She laughed, running one slim hand through the downy hairs on his chest.

"Well, that too of course…you never answered my question, though. What time is it?"

He grinned again, reaching over for his watch on the nightstand. Picking it up, he read:

"05.34"

He was met with a stunned silence, followed by a cry of disbelieve and glee as she's made a calculation in her head. They'd been talking for one and a half hour last night and it was close to 04.30 when she'd asked him to make love tonight. Which made this lovemaking…

"An hour straight? Harm, did we just…for an hour straight? No wonder I can't feel my body anymore."

Feeling more than a little cocky at the realization (he never figured he still had this much stamina), he deadpanned:

"Don't worry, you can feel mine."

"That's what got us here in the first place."

"That's not such a bad place to be. Besides, you asked for it, remember?"

"Whatever happened to taking the blame together? But you're right, I don't think there's a place I'd rather be."

She lifted her head to place a soft kiss on his lips.

"We'll get it right this time, Harm."

It was a question as well as a promise and he sealed it with another kiss.

"We will, Sarah, we will."

Satisfied with his assurance, she put her weary head on his chest, yawned and promptly fell into a deep sleep again, if only for a few hours.

When he saw his mother in the kitchen that morning, he didn't have to say a word. She knew they'd figured it out when she'd found her son's bedroom unoccupied. She saw it in his posture when he moved around her kitchen with the same familiarity as if he was home.

The weight had been lifted off his broad shoulders, a new light flickered in his eyes, his flyboy grin was glued on his face and even though he looked tired, it was a very different kind of exhaustion altogether. Oh, to be young and in love…

Harm was busying himself putting a breakfast feast on a tray. A stack of waffles, another one of pancakes, fresh strawberries with cream, juice, coffee…he was pulling out all the stops.

"Who's gonna eat all that, Harm?"

He grinned, snatching a strawberry from the bowl.

"Obviously you haven't ever seen Mac eat."

"It's not that bad, Squid."

Standing in the doorway was his Marine, still wearing one of Harm's shirts. She appeared as tired and crumpled as her son, but she was sporting the same grin and looked young and vibrant. Trish immediately noticed her son's glance over his girlfriend's long tanned legs and bit back a laugh. Here he thought he wasn't obvious.

"Good morning, Sailor. Good morning Trish."

Mac stifled a yawn.

"Morning dear. You sleep well?"

She asked that on purpose and couldn't help but laugh out loud when both of them blushed ever so little. Mac was the first one to compose herself in true Marine manner.

"Very well, thank you. Short but sweet."

"That's good dear. Help yourself to some breakfast. There's fresh coffee in the pot."

"Oh no, you're not."

Harm swatted her hand away from the pot. Annoyed, she pulled herself free from him.

"What do you think you're doing? You know better than to come in between me and my food."

She tried again, but his tall frame blocked her way.

"Harm…"

Her tone sounded threatening.

"Just a minute, Jarhead."

He put a quick kiss on her pouting lips, which at least removed the frown from her pretty face. Then at least he got enough of her attention to state his intentions.

"You see, sweet thing, I've got this whole Prince Charming thing going on, and here you are messing it all up. Now you turn around, march your pretty six back upstairs and let me treat you to a nice breakfast in bed the way it's supposed to be."

She just grinned at that, since suddenly this entire situations seemed all to unreal for her. Behold her Prince Charming. Only days before she was certain she would never see him again, and that this simple fact was unfortunate, but not to be changed.

And than yesterday. Yesterday, when she felt so lost, so upset with herself, so utterly humiliated, he'd been there for her in a way she hadn't even dared to dream of any more.

Today…he was wearing nothing but his boxers, his hair was tousled, he had a wicked grin on his face and…were those scratch marks? Nothing in this man resembled either the correct Commander or the martyr. Finally, Mac knew what he was like being hers. He was simply adorable. Her Prince Charming. What a difference a day makes.

She indulged, knowing it was probably the best way to get something to eat anyway. And she was starving, since she skipped dinner last night.

She crawled back between the pile of rumpled sheets in their bed and pretended to be asleep, meanwhile fighting a losing battle against her upcoming giggles. Well, he just had to excuse her for not being all so mushy and romantic. Not that she didn't enjoy it…

After a few minutes she heard him slowly come upstairs, muffling u curse when the plates of food on the tray started shifting. Mac stifled another giggle. So much for being romantic. She only hoped he wouldn't have a rose wedged between his teeth.

He kicked the door open with his foot before carrying the tray inside. She snuck a quick peak, relieved that, although the rose was there, it was placed in a delicate glass vase.

He made a big show out of kissing her awake, while she still struggled to remain serious. Only when the kisses grew more heated, did she finally relent. Who needed breakfast if you had the sailor of your dreams to nibble on?

By the time they were finished with their little sidetrack, both their coffee and the stack of pancakes were cold, but neither seemed to mind.

"So Sailor…tell me about Jessica McAffee from next door…"

Harm laughed, choking in his coffee.

"Where did that come from?"

"You told me there was a story to be told."

He grinned, lost in memory.

"Let me just give you the highlights. She was a seventeen year old, cute as a button neighbor, and in desperate search of a date for prom night. I was eighteen, at the academy, home early for the weekend and conveniently there. In uniform. We made quite the couple. And she turned out to be a very feisty young lady."

"And…?"

"And nothing. Mom walked in on us before things could get interesting."

"Poor Harm. Did she punish you hard?"

"Not really. She was more upset than anything else. Having to listen to Frank giving me the sex-talk was punishment enough, believe me. I tried to tell him we all got talks like that at the academy every single time we left the premises, all about conducting ourselves as the officers we were about to become, well, you know the rules...but he still couldn't just let me go. And as much as I hated the repeated warnings of my superior officers, it could never top the one I had with Frank. My lord, that sex-talk was awkward, for the both of us."

She laughed out loud, until a dark cloud seemed to settle over her good mood again. He immediately registered.

"Mac…what is bothering you this time? And don't say it's nothing, I know that look."

"Okay, so there's something, but it's stupid."

"Tell me Mac. Don't turn this into another mind game."

She sighed. "When will you be leaving to go to DC?

"In a few hours. Why? You scared again? I thought we've been through this?"

"We have, that's not what I'm worried about. It's just that…I'll miss you. It won't change anything between us once you're home right?"

_Here she goes again! Is she infuriating or what? She's got me annoyed and I'm writing the darn story myself! Anyway, just wanted to keep rockin'your boat.Harm's answer comes in the next to you soon! If I still have any readers left, that is..._


	14. Chapter 14

**AN**: Nothing more to say than : Here we go again! Oh, and thanks to all you faithfull readers and/or reviewers of course.

**Disclaimer**: I haven't been able to top the last disclmaimer yet, so let's just say I don't own them and get it over with.

_On with the next chapter!_

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

"You are one frustrating Lady, you know that?"

He wished he could be amused, but somehow, he found himself teetering on the edge of being thoroughly annoyed with her.

He fought the urge to grab a hold of her and shake some sense into that head of hers. Instead, he hoped his words would convince her.

"If there is going to change anything between us, it'll be for the better. We'll be open and honest, sharing the credits as well as the blame, right? I remember that was your idea anyway, wasn't it?"

He was all but screaming now, getting out of the bed, standing before her stark naked (his boxers discarded somewhere within the last hour) and so beautiful it took her breath away as well as any doubts.

"I didn't mean to make it sound like something bad Harm, and I guess I asked the wrong question at the wrong moment. I just figured you had to get on a plane in a few hours, going back to face the real world again, having to prepare them for my return, knowing everything that had happened to me…it won't be a breeze and I just didn't want you to loose this feeling or somehow think that I…used you."

"How can you even believe that's what I would think? Sarah…"

He rubbed the bridge of his nose to chase away the headache building there, before continuing his rant.

"Sarah…tonight was as important to me as it was to you. If anything, it only confirmed my joy at having you with me again. Don't you get it? When I'm gonna return to your apartment in a few hours, it won't be just to reminisce, it will be to get things ready for your homecoming."

She resigned, walking over to pacify him, leaning against his chest.

"I'm sorry for giving you a hard time. I just wish there was a way to make this easier. I know I can't just show up and expect things to still be exactly as I left them, but I am letting you glue back the pieces of my life…it's a big thing, Harm."

He pulled her into his hug.

"It is, but I'll be doing it gladly. Just trust me when I say that."

She sighed.

"I really missed them, you know. Can you tell them that? That it wasn't their fault I left, that I was just confused, sad…scared."

"Yeah, I'll tell them, but I think they already know, Mac. They missed you too. And they'll be happy to have you back. With, like I said before, the exception of Singer, but we'll deal with her the way we always did, right?"

"What, just ignore her?"

"Pretty much works for me, yes."

He gave her a small peck on the lips, than disentangled himself from her.

"As much as I would love to keep standing here forever, I have to get dressed and packing, Mac."

She let go of him with a little moan of disappointment. Everything was so much safer in his arms.

Methodically he was packing his suitcase, having done it countless times before. His mom had washed and pressed his uniform for him and he looked every inch the officer again.

Downstairs, he said goodbye to his mom and Frank, thanking them for letting Mac stay.

"That's okay, son. You know it is. She can rest here."

"I just hope she will. She's been through so much."

"We'll keep an eye on her. You go back home and tell the others."

"That'll be hard enough. I'm not really sure how to approach that."

"You'll have some time to think about that on your way home, sweetheart. Don't worry about Mac."

"I guess you're right. And yes, before you say it, I know you always are."

"I'm your mom, it's my job to be right, at least when it comes to you."

He grinned and gave his mom another hug, having learned long time ago not to argue when she had a point. This time, she had.

After shaking hands with Frank, he turned to Mac, who stood nervously next to his stepfather. He pulled her into his arms and gave her a sweet, thorough kiss.

"No more worries?"

"I promise, no more worries. Just…"

"No 'just'…no worries. Period. I'm going home, telling them what they need to know and nothing more. Than I'll come back to get you. Easy as that."

"Very well. Have a safe trip home."

"Atta girl."

"Love you."

"Love you too, jarhead. Be back before you know it."

He got into his rental car and started the engine. Before speeding away, he turned in his seat and gave them all a wink.

"See you in a couple of days!"

He revved the engine and sped out.

While he knew he'd better try to get some sleep on the flight back (he hardly had any last night), his mind was so full of images, news and Mac that closing off his eyes for the hustle inside the confined space of commercial flight was as far as he got.

Now that he was finally alone with his thoughts, he felt exhausted by them. Only a few days before, he was just a single working man, missing his partner like a widower. He hadn't had a date in all the time Mac was gone and mostly lived the life of a monk. A very celibate one.

Now, he had Mac back, out of the blue, and she was his now. In every way possible. He knew he loved her, no doubt about it. Would fight for her, kill for her, die for her…and the fighting would start in a few hours. Because no matter how ecstatic he was by her presence in his life again, he wasn't quite sure if his optimism about his friends (their friends?) was justified.

Well, he sighed within himself, he would find out soon enough.

He was glad when the plane landed. Not that he hated flying commercial (though he preferred doing the flying himself), but at least the usual stuff like baggage claims and checking out would keep him focused on something other than the dreaded upcoming confessions to his CO and their friends.

He was quick to get a taxi home, where he spent the first few hours of his homecoming unpacking, checking his mail and voicemail messages, taking a shower and a refreshing nap and a taking a quick route down the supermarket to restock his fridge.

With all the more mundane tasks accomplished, he had no reason to stall the inevitable anymore. Sure, he could make up tons of excuses not to head over to the admirals home on a Saturday evening, but he knew that the longer he stalled, the more scared he would get. Just one more thing he had to do before he would go.

Standing up from the couch where he'd collapsed after his trip to the supermarket, he stretched and picked up the phone from the side-table, dialing a familiar west coast number.

"Burnett"

"Hi Frank, it's me. Just wanted to let you know I got here safely."

"Good, good…now don't tell me you want to talk to me when your lady friend is here."

"As much as I would like to talk to you, I'm afraid you're right. Is she around?"

"Sure, let me call her for you."

He heard a rumble of voices and a few moments later, a happy sounding Mac came over the phone, immediately warming his heart,

"Hi Flyboy. Had a good flight?"

"Okay, nothing eventful. How're you doing?"

"Fine, Harm. Your mom is taking very good care of me."

Silence took over and he was sure they'd been disconnected somehow when he heard her again.

"Harm…I'm sorry…for making this so difficult for you. For everything."

He strained himself a little, wondering what she was getting at.

"Does that include last night?"

"No, of course not. I could never be sorry for last nigh, please believe that. But I am sorry for nagging to you, for letting you take the heat. Maybe I should just come over myself, save you the trouble."

"No Sarah, let me handle it. I'm about to go to the Admiral, talk to him outside the office. I'll call you once I know more. You just take it easy and don't worry too much, okay? Promise me?"

"Promise…I love you, Harm."

"Love you too."


	15. Chapter 15

**AN**: And now one of the chapters you've probably been waiting for: Informing the home front! Enjoy...

**Disc**laimer: The only thing I own is a massive headache from conjuring up stupid disclaimers. Don't own the characters of JAG.

_On with it..._

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

So here he was. Sitting in his car in front of the Admiral's house, dreading to go in. Not as much afraid of his CO, but more of the way he would react. He had loved Sarah as if she was his daughter and Harm knew he'd felt her leaving as a great personal loss. Maybe not a betrayal, but a defeat. One of his own had been in great trouble and hadn't confided in him. And so he hadn't been given a chance to set things right, to lend a helping hand. And that must have hurt.

Now it was his task to ring that bell and tell the man he both considered a friend and an example that their little lost (black) sheep was found and wanted to join the herd. Preferably without telling too many details about where here journey had led to. And not what had caused it either.

He had to get out of the car before he would look suspicious. Heaving another deep sigh, he stepped out, locked his car carefully (just to stall) and casually strutted over, or so he hoped it seemed.

On the porch, another memory washed over him. A dear memory of a lingering kiss goodbye at her engagement party, before her departure had wrecked them both. Was she already pregnant then, and not knowing it?

Now or never. He rang the doorbell.

For a moment, like a schoolboy, he wanted to run before anyone could answer, but he already heard footsteps approaching.

"Commander…what can I do for you?"

In his obvious surprise at finding Harm standing in front of his door on a Saturday evening, Chegwidden clearly chose the more formal way of approaching his junior officer.

"Sir, I'd like to have a few moments of your time, if possible. There's something important I have to tell you."

"I figured as much, but can't it wait until Monday?"

"If this is a bad time for you, Sir…"

"That's not a problem, I'm just surprised to see you here. Is this a personal thing?"

Harm slumped a little, the portrait of a little boy lost. And suddenly, his CO's demeanor changed considerably.

"So it is a personal thing. Very well then, come in Harm."

The choice of using his first name relaxed Harm, knowing he had found the softer side of AJ Chegwidden. He got into the house, following his CO to the open door patio.

"Can I get you something to drink?"

Not awaiting, nor expecting an answer, AJ disappeared into the kitchen and came back a few minutes later with two glasses of scotch, handing Harm one.

"That's all you're having, son, if you still want to drive home tonight."

Harm accepted and decided just to take a few small sips instead of drowning it all in one gulp.

"Take a seat."

They sat down and remained silent for a while, enjoying the cool evening air and their drinks.

"Now tell me what I can do for you. And for God's sake don't look so scared! I don't have a reason to ream you a new six, yet…or will I when you're done? Have you done something stupid in San Diego?"

Harm smiled, not at all surprised by the question. His file was full of stupidities, so he could understand where the question was coming from.

"No Sir, I…"

"We're not at the office Harm, and you said this is personal. Call me AJ"

"Very well, AJ. But to answer your question: No, as far as I know, I haven't done anything stupid in San Diego. But I would like you to reassign the case to someone else if possible."

"I'll look into it, but may I ask why? If you haven't done anything stupid, but you couldn't bring the case to an end anyway, than what happened there that got you this unnerved?"

Draining his last bit of scotch, Harm contemplated his next move, deciding to plunge in head first, since there was no other plausible option he could come up with.

"AJ, first I have to ask you to keep this to yourself for just a while. And, if possible, to approach this as a friend, a confidant, rather than my CO…"

"I'm only one man Harm. If this is anything illegal, I'm forced by my rank and position to report it."

"It's nothing like that sir, but…"

"Than consider me a friend, if that makes it easier for you to tell me."

"Thank you. Sir…I mean, AJ…I saw her."

"Saw who, Harm? Sounds like a ghost."

"Close, very close. I saw…Sarah."

There, that was out. Harm deflated in his chair, not daring to look in the direction of Chegwidden, though he could hear the other man gasp.

"Are you sure it was her?"

"Yes. I…I talked to her. For quite some time. I even convinced her to come back with me, maybe even get back to JAG. I left her with mom and Frank in La Jolla so I could inform you first about it, clear the paths so to speak, but…"

"Harm, you're getting ahead of the story here. Start at the beginning please. Where did you find her, what was she doing?"

"Okay, here's what happened…"

As Harm started to tell the tale, careful not to elaborate more than Mac had begged him to, he didn't notice AJ's expression change from surprise into sadness, into quiet resolve.

Only when his voice died out, did he dare to take a look at the older man next to him, who hadn't as much as stirred.

It was almost dark outside now. He'd been talking for over an hour. He shivered as the dark also brought the cold of the night.

"Let's go back inside, son. It's getting chilly."

It was the first thing coming out of AJ's mouth since Harm had told him everything. And obviously his mind was reeling. Harm couldn't blame him.

Inside, they sat down in the spacious study, so much like his CO's office Harm immediately had to fight the urge to stand at attention. Instead, he decided to remain silent for a while longer, so AJ could gather his thoughts again.

"So…she wants to be reinstated?"

This was so much like AJ, Harm stifled a laugh. Just try to ignore the emotions and get to the organizing part. That was what they could handle, that didn't require a close inspection of the heart. Better leave it at that, for the time being.

"Yes Sir. I mean…she knows, we both do, that coming back here might not be easy, maybe even impossible. And even if she does, it'll have consequences for her salary, her rank, her duties…her friendships. But on her accord, I had to ask, I still have to ask: is there anything you can do for her. Or even want to?"

"She thinks I wouldn't want to help her?"

"You'd have every right to be angry with her, disappointed in her and her actions and she understands that. But I promised her I would try anything I could."

Taking a pause to take a necessary breath, he plunged on.

"She feels sorry for running off the way she did, for not trusting either one of us with her inner struggles. On some level, she's disappointed with herself and what has become of her, but she's still every inch a tough as nails Marine, Sir. She's still all my Sarah…"

He'd left the bit of their new relationship out of his initial story, not realizing that his omission only made the fact even more crystal clear, as had always been the case. Now, much to his own shock, he'd said it out loud, hoping against hope the normally observant admiral hadn't caught on.

He had.

"Your Sarah? You both finally gotten your heads out of your respective sixes, then?"

Harm grimaced. At least he didn't sound upset.

"Yes, Sir, I guess we did. I'm very much in love with her, Sir, and she feels the same about me."

"Good, that's good. But you do realize that when she's reinstated, the fraternization rules kick in immediately and either one of you will have to be transferred?"

"Yes, I know that, Sir, I've been considering the same thing, but I think…wait."

It hit him. Square in the face. The consequences of the words of his CO.

"Sir, AJ, eh…does this mean…?"

He knew he was babbling, he just couldn't help himself. AJ smiled at the sight of his normally composed Commander, now sitting in his study with his mouth hanging open.

"That's what it means, Commander. I can't make any promises yet, but I think we might have some good use for a well trained, intelligent Marine officer…Let me look into things, okay?"

"Thank you. Thanks so very much. One more thing, sir…"

"I won't tell anyone, Harm. That's up to you. And Mac."

_The others will be told in the next chapter. Stay tuned for their reaction! Meanwhile, all reviews very much appreciated as always._


	16. Chapter 16

**AN**: Well, well, just in time for the weekend...here's another chapter. Know you've been waiting for it!

**Disclaimer**: Give me an N, Give me an O, Give me a T, Give me an M-I-N-E ! Sorry, no idea where that came from. Oh well...

_On we go..._

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Of course the last part was easier said than done. After consulting with the Admiral, he'd been given permission to use the staff-meeting for his obviously startling news.

Monday morning came soon enough. He'd decided not to call Mac again until he'd told their coworkers about her upcoming return and learned their reaction. And as much as his heart ached for his girl, he couldn't deny their friends their anger at her departure, nor their doubts or even reluctance upon her resurfacing.

If Harriet or Bud saw the barely hidden nervousness of their superior officer and friend, they didn't comment upon it, though Harriet quietly poured a cup of steaming coffee for him, which he accepted with a nod of gratitude.

At the arrival of their CO, the meeting started with the usual arrangements of new cases and updating others, after which everybody was ready to file out and start working on whatever it was that was on their to do list. A sharp voice interrupted them.

"Everybody. I'd like you all to stay a while longer. Commander Rabb has some important news to share with us. Commander…"

Harm nodded to his CO, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. This was it. After this morning, nothing would ever be the same again.

His voice was a little hoarse at first, until the encouraging nod from AJ nudged him forward.

"People, I have some surprising news for all of you. Unnerving too, but hopefully you'll consider it happy news too. At least I did."

Another deep breath. Come on, Rabb, be a man, be an officer. You can do it.

"On my last assignment to San Diego, I ran into someone…someone we've all been missing for a year now."

He didn't have to elaborate any more information. It was instantly clear who he was referring to.

This time the gasp came from Harriet, who sat there, stunned, her hand covering her mouth as she startled herself with the noise she made.

Bud had grown pale. Nobody said anything.

"Sir…"

Harriet normally dreaded speaking up in staff meeting, but she had to know. Besides, somebody had better break the silence, as it was grating on her nerves.

When Harm didn't react the first time, she tried again, a little louder this time.

"Sir...Commander. Was she, I mean, is she okay?"

The obvious, almost motherly concern laced in her voice, brought Harm back to reality and he wanted to hug Harriet for her kind question.

"Yes, Harriet. She's fine, physically at least. On any other account, a lot of things have happened to her, though I won't get into any details. They're not mine to tell."

"Just…cover the basics, Sir."

Harriet's nudging was enough to make him tell the story, though he left out more in this version than he did two nights before at the Admiral's house. Both men had talked about it that night as well as over the phone the day before and they'd come up with an agreement about what to tell and what better not.

It remained silent for quite some time after he was done, all of them taking time to digest this news, with all it's angles and implications. A lot was left to think about.

"So…now what?"

The question, popped out of the blue in the hue of complete silence, was almost comical for it's implied simplicity. Even if the answer certainly wasn't. The fact it came from Bud, didn't surprise Harm at all. Well, this was certainly a time for revelations, might as well hand them another one while we're at it.

"She wants to come back."

They all nodded, and Harm wished to God he knew if this meant approval or just an acceptance of this expected answer.

Bud again, cleared things out.

"I wish it were as easy as it sounds, Sir."

Harm kindly grabbed his friend's shoulder, formality all but gone and certainly not appropriate considering the subject of their conversation.

"So do I, Bud. I mean, we have to stick with reality here, and the fact is, Mac has been out of commission for a year now, as well as out of touch of all our lives."

He looked around him, silently trying to read the minds of the people in the briefing room. Their faces were friendly enough, but Mac wasn't here now and they could easily keep up the spirits for his sake instead of Mac's.

He hoped that by telling them that he, the one who'd undoubtedly suffered the most from her disappearance, had made his peace with her (and a bit more than that), the others would give her some leeway.

"I know nobody can ask from any of you to welcome her back with open arms and act like nothing has happened, and she doesn't expect you to. But as your friend I ask you not to forgive her without questions asked, but to give her a chance. Meet her halfway."

"Have you, Sir?"

Harriet clearly dreaded to ask the one question they all wanted to ask, but, as usual, her curiosity got the better of her.

Harm smiled at her forwardness, not at all upset or mad. In fact, he felt so good about finally having Mac in his life, his heart, where she belonged, he'd longed to tell them this part of his revelation. Fingers crossed they would be happy for him.

"Yes, Lieutenant. I've had some long conversations with her and we're fine. More than fine. We…I decided not to ever give her another reason to run again. I told her I loved her a year ago, years before that even and that I love her still…"

Harriet, in an attempt to hide her glee at seeing her friend lucky in love at last, became beet red with suppressed giggles. Harm remained serious, though, indicating just how deeply these feelings cut within him.

"That's why I asked you to give her a chance. She's more than just a friend to me now. She means the world to me and I'm not about to jeopardize my chances again. If you turn her down I can understand that. So can she. But from now on she's the most important person in my life, please consider that too."

Bud, having been silent since his last remark, now hastily searched for words to back up his friend.

"We won't turn her down, Harm, Sir, I mean…"

As usual, he didn't know how to choose between the formal rank or the informal first name. Harm let it slip, knowing Bud's intentions were all that mattered.

Bud tried again.

"Nobody here is gonna turn her down. But we're gonna have to get used to having her around again. With everything that happened to her she must have changed. And so have we. Things have happened while she was gone. I'm just saying that there's more to her homecoming than picking up where she left off…"

"I know that, so does she. But right now, all I need, all we need to know is whether or not you're even remotely positive about her return."

Harriet now stood up to be able to give him a hug, which effectively pushed any leftover propriety and or normal protocol out of the window. AJ allowed it silently, knowing this was not any given day. And they were not any given officers for certain.

"Of course we are, don't be silly, Harm. We missed her, we all love her. Yes, it might take some time to get to know her again, rebuild a friendship. But that friendship is a strong one, Harm. It was never broken beyond repair. We'll meet her halfway, we promise. Tell her she has nothing to be afraid of. right guys?"

Again, everybody nodded their agreement, seemingly forgetting that all of them except maybe for Tiner and Gunny outranked Harriet. But as she stood there, hugging her superior officer, who was now all but crying with relief, the whole situation was so far from reality that nobody even dared to contradict her. Nobody felt the need to do so anyway.

"Where is she now, Sir. When will she be back?"

"She's with my mom and stepfather in La Jolla. I'll go pick her up there as soon as the Admiral has more information about the possibilities of her return."

He looked at his CO for the remainder of the answer. AJ was quick to understand Harm was exhausted and done with the subject for now. He addressed his staff.

"That'll take at least until the end of the week. I'll keep you all informed. Now, this meeting has gone on long enough and though this subject warrants the time already spent on it, I believe we all have some work to do…so, dismissed everybody."

They all stood at attention, than left the room, chattering about their lost and found friend.

Harm sat down at his desk, at once relieved and drained. There was a lot of work piled up on his desk and he resolutely put all thoughts about Mac out of his head for the time being. He would think about her later.

_Chapter seventeen to follow..._


	17. Chapter 17

**AN**: Nothing to say, see disclaimer all other chapters...

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

The red blinking light of his answering machine was the first thing he noticed when he got home, balancing his cover, briefcase and mail precariously in one hand as he opened his front door with the other. He grinned, not having to guess who'd been calling him…let's see…27 times. Only 27, huh? So she wasn't nervous at all.

Just in case there were some other messages he needed to hear, he listened to all of them. Indeed, there was one from his dry-cleaners, where he'd left some of his shirts before flying to San Diego, one solicitors call from some insurance company he'd never even heard off (he deleted that one) and to his pleasant surprise, one from Skates, back in port for two weeks and inviting him to have a drink. He'd have to call her back on that, not knowing for sure if Mac would consider having a drink with another female officer an act of betrayal. Though he didn't think she would.

His friendship with his designated RIO was a valued one (he'd spent some nights with her in McMurphy's during the first few weeks of Mac's disappearance, in need of a shoulder to cry on), but it was and always remained strictly platonic.

Contrary to popular believe, he was capable of maintaining platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex, even treating his many female friends with the same depth of devotion as his male friends, the only difference being his born and bred chivalry. So sue him. And besides, Skates was closer to a being a tomboy than any other girls he'd ever known. Maybe with the exception of his jarhead, in fact.

Satisfied with his own justification, he listened to the ever growing anxiety clearly audible in the other 24 messages, indeed all coming from said jarhead. Varying from kind pleadings to call her back to straight-out orders to get on the phone ASAP, or face the consequences…and then something about keelhauling or hanging from the highest yardarm or, his personal favorite, walking the gauntlet buck-naked. Pity she didn't mention if she would be naked too…

Just for that, he would make himself dinner first. Then maybe file through his mail. Give Skates a call…

After dinner, deciding she'd been punished sufficiently for her impatience, he picked up his phone and dialed the all-familiar number.

She picked up at the very first ring, slightly out of breath.

"Harm?"

"I'm not even there and you're breathless…damn I'm good."

He chuckled and she easily laughed along with him, the tension clearing from the air.

"Don't get too cocky, Squid. It's not like I was waiting for you."

"Sure you weren't. I have two dozen or so voice-mails on my phone to contradict that."

"I plead the fifth…"

"Sure, if it wasn't for that fifth, huh?"

"Getting to a point, Commander?"

"Was there supposed to be one? And here I thought you were just happy to hear my voice."

Oh how he enjoyed egging her on, especially when he got her whining, which she was doing now.

"Harm…"

"Yes…?"

He mimicked her tone of voice in a playful manner, chuckling. He was in for it now.

"Do you really wish to be keelhauled?"

She tried to sound angry, but only got as far as sounding a tad annoyed. He'd anticipated that. She could never be mad at him when he was flirting with her. He'd learned that years ago, and always stored that knowledge in his mind for further reference.

"I liked that gauntlet suggestion better, actually. Only you didn't say if you were gonna be naked too."

She groaned audibly.

"Harm, would you please get your head out of the gutter and just tell me about the office."

"Hey, it was your idea…but very well, the office…"

He could hear her brace herself, slowly regulating her breath, though she still sounded so small, almost childlike. The mood changed so radically it unnerved him. As did Sarah's babbling.

"Were they…I mean…did they…"

No more teasing, she was slowly falling apart as it was. He answered her in a soft, soothing tone, hoping she could feel the warmth he was trying to let seep through.

"Sarah, sweetheart. It's okay. They were surprised of course, but they were all happy. Very happy. For you, for us…"

"And they still want to see me, know me? How much did you tell? Are they ashamed of me?"

"I told them you were working at a bar, I didn't give them any details about your…occupation. So there's no need to feel threatened by that. And yes, they still want you to come back. Harriet said that your friendship probably needed some mending, but, and I quote 'nothing was broken beyond repair'. You'll be fine, Mac."

He could almost hear the tears fall, no matter how much she was trying to hold them back. Knowing they were tears of relief, he allowed her some uninterrupted moments to compose herself. It took her a few minutes, but then another question came to him over the phone line.

"How about the Admiral? How did he react? Can he do anything for my reinstatement?"

Than, after a pause, she quietly asked:

"Does he even want to?"

"To answer your last question first: Yes, he does. I can't remember his exact words, but they were something like this: I think we can find some use for a well trained, intelligent Marine officer…"

"Was that before or after you told him about me…how much does he know, Harm?"

"AJ knows everything except for…your baby."

He still hated to name the situation for what it was, couldn't get the word out of his mouth.

"And he still…"

"Yes. He still. Why is that so hard to believe? Mac, he's a friend. I went over to his place Saturday night, approached him as a friend and a confidant. As someone I trust and whose opinions I value. And Mac? He didn't pass judgment, didn't even try to. He cares deeply about you. About both of us."

She sniffled, ridiculously happy at her CO's approval of her return. If AJ had wanted to, he could have made things very hard on her. So he must indeed care about her a lot. Now if she could only get rid of that last piece of shame and guilt she still felt.

As if reading her mind (he always did that), Harm added:

"Try not to feel guilty or bad about this situation any more, Sarah. It'll only set you back unnecessarily on your way to full reinstatement. As a friend as well as an officer. You might have to earn their trust again, but they're more than willing to meet you halfway."

"I don't deserve to be friends with them again."

"Hey, no more of that kind of talk, Marine. I won't have it. Promise me?"

He heard her sniffle again. He could almost picture her squaring her shoulders, telling herself to suck it up. She sounded remotely more at ease when she spoke again.

"Okay…I promise."

Dropping the subject for now, he laughed softly.

"Good. Now, let's get practical for a second. How about I come pick you up at my parent's place next Sunday? I'll take some days off, we can go home Monday or Tuesday, take the rest of the week to get you back, settled into your place again…agreed?"

"Sounds like a plan, Sailor."

They remained silent for a while, but it was an easy silence that didn't bother either of them.

"Harm?"

"Yes?"

"I just want to say…thanks. For everything you've done for me, getting me back, clearing the paths, letting me take some R&R at your parent's place…it's so beautiful here, they're so kind to me…thanks, Harm. From the bottom of my heart. I love you."

"Love you too, Sarah…but I don't need your gratitude. Just show me. Show me we're not doing this for nothing. Come back into our lives and triumph. That's all the reward I need."

"Really, Flyboy? That's ALL the reward you need? Too bad, I had some very interesting things in mind. Care to hear them?"

She sounded sassy now, and Harm braced himself for the already literally palpable effect she was having on him. Damned, with words only, on the other side of the country. She was good!

"Very funny, jarhead. Now I'm gonna have to take a cold shower before I embarrass myself."

"Payback's a bitch, Harmon Rabb."

"No, I'm beginning to think you are."

"I'll chalk that one up to you being a sore loser, Harm dear. But await your punishment."

"Something about me getting buck-naked again?"

"Count on it."

"I am, dear, I am." Laughing, they hung up, glad the air was all spotlessly clear again…for the time being.

_Leaving you again...with thanks. Reviews welcome._


	18. Chapter 18

**AN**: Well, it's about time, isn't it? Hope you like another one of my chapters...

**Disclaimer**: After the cheerleader one of last time, I scared myself enough to keep it normal this time (normal, me?). I'm only borrowing the characters of JAG.

_On with it..._

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Tomorrow. He would get here tomorrow. In less than twenty-four hours he would be there again, to hold her, comfort her, to tell her face to face that they would make it again.

Words were only words after all, and Washington D.C. an abstract term. Until, in a few days, she would have to pack her bags, leave this peaceful nook of the world and finally do what she'd been thinking of the last few days.

She was making herself stir crazy, pacing the living room of the Burnett residence, trying to summon up the courage to finally accept the following days as facts rather than ideas. She just couldn't get herself to do it, Semper-fi or not.

How could she expect their understanding for the things she did, things she didn't even understand herself? But, on the other hand, didn't she deserve a lucky break, even if it was just one?

She was so busy with her inner struggle, she didn't hear Trish come in. The older woman stopped at the threshold, not wanting to disturb the privacy of their reluctant guest, but fearing for her mental well-being as well.

During her stay, Mac had tried not to intervene with Harm's parents own life, opting to spend a lot of time on the beach or by herself in the guestroom, where she had her own TV if she wanted the distraction or her own thoughts if she chose to mull. Which was most of the time.

But her solitary actions had concerned Trish. She knew very little about Sarah MacKenzie, except for the fact she used to be a Marine and that her son was ass over teakettle in love with her. And of course she knew she'd all but vanished from this world for a year, remembering with a true mother's pain the conversation she'd had with Harm a few days after her disappearance. When reality had sunk in. She wasn't coming back to them. To him.

With the exception of his father's sad absence from their lives, Harm had never shown more grief than that one phone-call. And though she didn't blame Mac personally for her only child's heartache, she very badly wanted to get the younger woman out of her sorry state of mind. For Mac's sake as well as her Harm's.

Trish decided to make her presence known.

"Darling, you're gonna wear a hole into my carper at the speed you're going."

Mac halted abruptly, offering a shy smile.

"You're right, Trish. I'm sorry."

"No need. But please, sit down. Have some tea with me."

Taking it as the barely concealed order it surely was (Trish wasn't a military spouse and mother for nothing), Mac obediently took a seat on the sofa, while Trish busied herself in the kitchen with the teapot and the cookies, meanwhile contemplating her next move.

She put a mug in front of the younger woman, she accepted it and took some careful sips of the hot liquid.

"So…you ready for the big reunion with my son tomorrow?"

Mac felt herself turn beet red at the direct question of Harm's mom. He'd warned her for her forwardness, but clearly she'd underestimated her.

"I'm sorry, my mouth is running away with me again."

Mac giggled despite herself.

"Something genetic, you think?"

"Definitely…but are you ready?"

"To see Harm again? Yes. Most definitely. Can't wait…"

"You love him."

"Deeply."

"That's wonderful. I've always known you would, eventually, be the one to make him happy."

"He makes me happy too."

"That's great dear. That's a good start you know."

"It's more than I could have hoped for after this year, but…"

Mac's knuckles turned white with the force she had to apply just to keep herself from fidgeting, at the same time making Trish glad she decided to take mugs instead of her good china. Mac would have crushed it without a doubt. Trish put her hand tentatively on Mac's arm.

"I don't know what happened this past year and you don't have to tell me anything, but if my son believes you're worth it, than you are. That's all I need to know. Now I don't know your friends, but that's what they are and apparently still want to be. Give them that chance Mac. Don't insult them by turning them down."

Now that certainly was a side of the medal she hadn't looked at. Would it actually be an insult to turn down a friendship when it was generously offered? A sudden insight took over and she bit back tears (again, how much could a person cry?) while she nodded.

"You're right. They want to be my friends, I want them to be my friends…and this time, I'll prove that I'm worthy. I'll show them."

She grasped the hand still laying on her arm.

"Thanks Trish. For everything. For letting me stay here, for not pushing me. But most of all for doing such a wonderful job of raising your son. He's everything to me."

"As are you to him, dear. Now, I think we're done sitting here in this salon bawling, when the weather is too wonderful to resist. Care to do some shopping?"

Recognizing the attempt of diversion, Mac leaped up.

"Shopping sounds wonderful."

"Doesn't it always? Believe me, dear. Shopping is a woman's answer to everything."

The two women laughed at that and after leaving Frank a message, they left the house together, arms linked like mother and daughter.

When Harm got home the next morning, he was pleasantly surprised to see two of the most important women in his life hitting it off the way the apparently had. In fact, they hadn't even heard him come in.

"So a man comes home after a week of hard labor and this is the welcome he gets?"

"Harm!"

"Humph!" , was the only sound coming from him.

Okay, so he asked for it. Now he was buried underneath both women in a fierce hug, all but knocking him over.

First he turned to Trish, hugging his mom back. After that, she wisely disentangled herself and left the two lovers on their own.

Harm now concentrated solely on the beautiful figure left in his arms, more like clinging to him. She'd put both her arms around his waist in a dead-like grip and her head was resting on his chest.

"I missed you," she murmured softly, sound muffled by his shirt. Gee, he hadn't noticed.

"Missed you too, Ninja-girl. Now give me a proper kiss."

She lifted her head at his demand and placed her lips against his, moaning softly from the heat the contact created. If anything, Harm was one talented kisser. A master, a wizard…blissfully, sinfully good. If he were a weapon, he should be barred by the Geneva convention.

The kiss all too soon turned into something very improper considering they were in the middle of the living room and he reluctantly immersed for some oxygen. The sight of his Marine, wearing a simple white dress showing all her curves as well as the glowing, tanned skin of her long arms and legs left him breathless no matter how much fresh air he tried to inhale. She was intoxicating. A goddess, and all his.

"Love you."

"Love you too, Sarah."

"Hey you two, get a room."

Frank's comment as he walked in on them, startled them both. Mac blushed bright red and again buried her face in his chest. Harm just smiled sheepishly.

"Sorry Frank, hadn't heard you come in."

"Harm…you two wouldn't have heard a Tomcat coming in."

"No, probably not. Sorry for this little display here."

"Hey, don't apologize for loving your lady. But please tell me you're too old for another sex-talk."

Both men cringed at the memory, while Mac, remembering the story, bit back a giggle.

"So you remembered too, huh?"

"Hard to forget. Sadly."

"Not our finest moment, Frank."

"Painful to say the least. But, I'll leave you two alone now. Your mom just asked me to inform you that we'll be out for lunch, but she left you a salad and some sandwiches in the fridge if you're hungry."

They thanked him for his effort and a minute later they watched Frank and Trish walk to their car. Harm kissed the top of Mac's head, rocking her in his arms like a baby. She sighed in contentment, glad to be held.

"Alone at last."

"Yeah…time for your punishment."

"Can't wait. But let's have a talk first."

_Oh oh...another talk...coming up in the next chapter!_


	19. Chapter 19

**AN:** One more chapter and an epilogue to come up after this one. I'm thorougly out of inspiration concerning this story, so I'll wrap it up in the next installment. But don't worry, I've got a sequel to write (for "Stay away.."), several ideas for one-parters and a new, fluffy long story in the making.

**Disclaimer**: Last chapter I qeustioned my own sanity, with good reason. If I plead insanity this time...can I at least pretend I own DJE? Oh well...

_Here we go..._

CHAPTER NINETEEN

So they talked. Not much, just details, as everything was said and done so many times. They decided to stay for one more day, leaving La Jolla next Tuesday morning.

The days before they had to leave were spent eating, drinking and laughing with Frank and Trish and making love all night, choosing Mac's spacious guestroom rather than Harm's old bedroom.

They were resting in each other's arms after yet another session of lovemaking when Harm suddenly gasped.

"Damn! I almost forgot. I have a gift for you."

He leaped out of bed, taking the blankets with him.

"Hey, give me those blankets back, I'm getting cold here."

"Suck it up, Marine…"

Ignoring her protests, he rummaged in his bag until he found a small box and an envelope. Taking it out, he strutted back to the bed, for a moment just enjoying the view of stark-naked Sarah MacKenzie sitting on their bed, hair messed up, lips swollen, eyes hazy, skin glowing and absolutely breathtaking. And angry.

"Harm! Get your petty six and the blankets back in bed NOW! I'm freezing! Forget about that gift."

Okay, she knew she was exaggerating, but she was desperate to feel the warmth of her lover's body next to hers again. No present could ever top the wonderful gift of loving him and being loved by him anyway.

"Jeez, don't get your panties in a twist, impatient little jarhead."

"Too late."

She deadpanned, pointing in the general direction of the heap of clothes discarded on the floor. He followed her fingers and laughed.

"Okay, bad semantics. Now, come here."

The soft tone of his voice cradled her back to safety, as did his arms and the blankets, once again surrounding her. With a sigh of pure contentment she leaned back against him.

"Now, as for that gift…"

"I thought you wanted me to forget about it."

"So? Bad semantics. Gimme my gift."

Teasing her, he held the little box high above his head.

"How do we ask for a gift?"

"We don't. Marines don't ask, they don't beg, they just take."

She strained to reach the box, bringing her breasts to Harm's eyelevel. It was an opportunity that he simply couldn't pass by. Quickly he circled one taut peak with his tongue before gently sucking it into his mouth. Mac whimpered, her battle for the box forgotten as the familiar desire was building yet again. Helpless, she sank against him, getting lost in his love again.

"That was sneaky, Squid."

She managed to bring out between catching her breath. He chuckled, kissing her damp forehead.

"I can't remember you complaining…In fact, didn't you ask me, or rather, beg me not to stop?"

"I bet I did, cocky Flyboy. But…my gift?"

"How do we ask for a gift?"

"Harm, don't start again. I'm worn out."

"Okay, you win. This time. Here's your gift."

He produced the small box again. Mac suddenly hesitated. It was the size of a jewelry box, and if that's what it was, than…and she wasn't ready for that.

Reading her mind the way he always did, he gently shook his head.

"That'll come, my love. But not yet. We're not there yet. This is something else…now open it."

Tentatively she opened the box. And gasped. There, perched in the middle of a green velvet cushion were a pair of Oak Leafs. Silver Oak Leafs. Belonging to the rank of Lieutenant Colonel. She hadn't expected this. Bronze Oak Leafs maybe. At the most. She'd been thinking more in the lines of the two Silver bars of a Captain, the one Silver bar of 1st Lieutenant.

Instead, not only was she seemingly to be reinstated, but she would still be Lieutenant Colonel. She had set herself back for any other promotion and the bird on the collar would be a very distant future dream (if that), plus, her Flyboy would be her senior this time, but still…Lieutenant Colonel Sarah MacKenzie, USMC…

Harm handed her the envelope that came with it, nuzzling her neck (his favorite spot) in silent support.

He already knew what was in the envelope. Aside for the original paperwork surrounding her comeback, there was a personal note by AJ. One that would (hopefully) erase any doubts left in his Marine's head.

Mac unfolded the handwritten piece of ordinary stationary paper and almost choked at the words.

_Dear Sarah,_

_Congratulations on your upcoming reinstatement. As your former and future CO I've done everything in my power to make sure you could keep your current rank and all benefits lawfully and deservedly yours. I am proud to have a well-educated, well-trained, sharp, intelligent and focused officer back in my ranks. Your office awaits you._

_As your friend, I also welcome you back with open arms. I was informed by Harm of your whereabouts and what I assume is just a little part of your story over this last year, as well as of your new relationship. It's about time…I'm very happy for the both of you._

_Do not worry too much about your comeback. I know and fully understand your feelings of awkwardness and hesitation, but they are unnecessary and will be proven ill-founded. No apologies are needed, neither are explanations. And no judgment will be passed, you have my personal guarantee. _

_But if you need a friend, a shoulder, a confidant…I'll be there. _

_With kindest regards, AJ Chegwidden._

"But, he's not even…he doesn't…"

She looked at Harm, happy and confused at the same time. He chuckled, her expression was kind of cute. He nuzzled her neck again.

"Mac, think about it rationally for a moment, from a legal point of view. You resigned your commission last year. Whatever happened next is none of the Marine Corps's business. You were no longer a Marine, therefore you didn't do anything wrong. However 'unbecoming an officer' your conduct might have been, you were legally and technically not an officer…you were a civilian. And what civilians do, is none of their business. Besides, AJ knows better than to give the high lords of the board any details about your past life and occupation. What they don't know doesn't hurt them. Or you. So, to conclude this final statement for my client: why wouldn't you go back to your last rank and privileges?"

He gave her a dazzling smile, so convinced of the truth on his words, he didn't give her a chance to start doubting them again. Mac turned to kiss him, gently and lovingly.

"You know, you could have saved yourself a lot of trouble. That smile would have been enough. In fact, it always was."

"I can remember you told me something completely different when we first met."

"Of course I told you something different. What did you expect? That I would have told you how that killer smile had won me over the very first second I saw it? That the moment it was directed at me, my knees threatened to give? That the first night after that I had a very steamy, interesting dream about you, which turned out to be a repeated event for the next years? Sure, you would have loved that, but your ego was big enough as it was, and besides…"

"Besides what, Marine?"

"I didn't think you'd be all that interested in me anyway."

"If only you'd known. I fell for you just as hard. Just as irreversible."

"Because I looked like Diane?"

He hesitated, the ghost of Diane once again threatening to come between them if he didn't choose his words very carefully.

"At first, yes. But later, finding out little by little everything you didn't have in common with her, I fell for Sarah MacKenzie, not my old deceased friend. Sarah, the memory of Diane is a dear one and I'll never forget about her. But you're not her replacement and you never were. I'm quite aware you're a totally different person and I fell in love with you for your beauty, your strength, your qualities. Not hers."

"But it was her you were kissing the first time…"

"You know, looking back, I'm not so sure anymore. I mean, you looked more like her than ever, in a Navy uniform. And it brought the memories all back. The lost chances…everything. But the moment I kissed you, you felt so alive, so warm, so real…I knew you couldn't possibly be Diane. But all I could remember after that was that it was one hell of a kiss. Ghosts don't kiss like that. Maybe angels do."

She grinned, letting the subject slide away, the ghost of Diane Shonke disappearing from the room.

"So I'm an angel?"

"My angel. My jarhead. My love."

He kissed her thoroughly, slumping down on the mattress with her soft body on top of his, glad their flight didn't leave until late the next afternoon, as sleeping was very far from his mind...

_Just one more installment to go..._


	20. Chapter 20

**AN**: This is at, the first part of the last installment. Only an Epilogue and I'll be done with this story.

**Disclaimer**: If I claim to be schizophrenic, can one of me own them? The other one can deny. Problem is, I'm not a schizophrenic and neither am I. Oh well...We, eh...I don't own them.

_On we go..._

CHAPTER TWENTY

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we're approaching Washington Dulles International Airport. Please straighten your seats and fasten your seatbelts…"

The voice of the flight attendant droned on with the customary passengers directions. Mac let them slide, knowing the drill and being otherwise preoccupied. In a few moments, they were home. And if it wasn't for Harm, sitting next to her with his big hand covering her small quivering one, she would have gladly bailed. Or vanished.

After everything they'd been talking about, this was finally the real thing. On Harm's request, their friends would not be waiting for her at the airport, nor at home. Harm would drive them back to his place, than later this week to her own. Would it ever be her home again? She hadn't been there in a year. A long, eventful year.

They would meet them (being AJ, Bud and Harriet) this evening at McMurphy's, choosing a familiar yet impersonal place to ease her back into her once so normal life again. She shifted in her chair, the upcoming nausea for once not the result of the descending aircraft. She immediately felt Harm's hand tighten over hers, as if he was silently pouring the strength from his big solid body into hers.

"Nervous again, Ninja?"

"Yeah. I'll be fine though."

She tried to give him a reassuring smile, which didn't work as well as she had hoped, as he frowned.

"Just remember what we've talked about, what AJ wrote. As a friend, not as your CO."

"I know. I do remember. But this time it's reality…I know, I'm seeing things that aren't there and it'll probably work out for the best, but I wish I knew how to approach them. That very first awkward moment, I'm dreading that."

"It'll only be that one moment, and you can suck that up, Marine. After that, things will be okay again. It's not like you've been gone forever…just a year. A hard year, and you've been missed incredibly, but still. A year. And now you're back. No use turning this situation into so much more than it is. And besides…Bud and Harriet don't know anything about this past year, and AJ won't betray your trust by telling them, or even mentioning it tonight."

She sighed, at the same time feeling the wheels of the plane hit the tarmac. Home. She was home. At last.

Getting through customs wasn't all that bad and neither was retrieving their bags. Mac had conveniently bought herself a brand new suitcase on her shopping spree with Trish and it wasn't that hard to notice it between the other, overall more tattered luggage.

Picking up Harm's Corvette (thank God he still had a car she would recognize anywhere) they drove to his apartment in silence. For the first time it wasn't an uncomfortable feeling being back in DC. The moment they pulled over in front of his building, she found herself smiling. Voicing her thoughts as usual, Harm gave her a Flyboy grin of his own.

"Welcome home, Sarah."

"I'm home…I'm really home."

Together they dragged the heavy bags and cases up the stairs (the elevator was out of order for a change) and as soon as Harm opened the front door, Mac got in as a whirlwind, picking up familiar objects and knickknacks, a framed photo of the two of them, tracing her hands over his guitar, his music collection, happy to see that, although he had kept his apartment spotless, he hadn't made any drastic changes. Everything in here was still all Harm. As familiar to her as her own apartment and maybe even more.

"Nothing has changed all that much, Mac."

Harm had disposed of their stuff in the bedroom and now wrapped his strong arms around her waist from behind.

"I can tell. I'm glad. Is that stupid?"

"Of course not. I'm glad you're glad. You see, Marine? Things might not have changed all that much after all."

The nuzzling of that tiny spot on her neck was rapidly becoming an addiction, but luckily, Mac didn't seem to mind whatsoever.

"I have."

"You think? Mac…please do yourself a favor and stop talking in circles. It's getting you nowhere. Just be yourself. You're good enough, more than good enough. So you slipped and made some mistakes. Regrettable ones, but nothing to keep scolding yourself over. Nobody's torturing you but yourself."

He looked at her intently, his azure gaze fixed on her with a stare he usually reserved for target practice.

"Forgive yourself, Mac. You have to, before you can move on. If you can't take that step, how can they?"

She sighed, leaning back against his tall frame, grateful for the solidity of Harm's presence. Forgive herself. Instead of talking in circles, like she knew she was doing herself, Harm had cut to the chase and pinpointed the exact problem. Forgive herself. For her cowardice, her running, her unborn child that she never allowed to grow…forgive herself.

"That'll take time, Harm."

"I know. And it won't be easy. But you've already made some important steps. You'll be officially reinstated soon, you've come home with me, you'll be meeting your friends later this afternoon. Those are all steps in the right direction."

For a moment he paused, before, without even realizing it, giving her the biggest compliment he had ever given her.

"Do you think I would have taken you home if you hadn't been my Sarah any more? Older and wiser, more human and a little less Marine, but still very much my Sarah?"

"Yes, very, very much your Sarah…and you know what? I want you to be happy, Harm. Preferably with me. Which means that, in order for you to be happy, I have to be happy…I'm gonna work on that, Harm. I promise."

"Good. That's all I'm asking."

He grabbed her hand and dragged her to the bedroom, making her giggle.

"Any wild plans, Squid?"

Harm grinned, his eyes lighting up at the possibilities.

"Will you be very upset if I say I haven't?"

"Nope…surprised and disappointed, but…"

"Come on, let's get you dressed and ready for McMurphy's, huh?"

"Yeah…Harm?"

"Yes?"

"Can you believe I'm starting to look forward to it?"

"That's amazing, my love. Really amazing. Glad you feel that way."

She shrugged, remembering all her doubts, reveling in the fact that, apparently, she was now capable of letting them fall of her shoulders, leaving her with the more comfortable feeling of finally reacquainting herself with all her friends. Not her former friends, not her new friends, just her friends. No more of the guilt trip.

She dressed carefully in a long black flowing dress, with a colorful scarf wrapped around her shoulders.

"Let's go Sailor."

He grinned, following her out, ready for the big moment.

Once just outside McMurphy's, Mac swallowed hard, twice, before bracing herself.

"Suck it up, Marine," Harm heard her mumble to herself.

Holding onto his hand in a death grip, she nodded, then opened the door.

They were already there. Just Bud, Harriet and AJ. All wearing casual clothes so not to scare her too much, at the same time letting her know they were here as friends only, not coworkers and CO. She appreciated their effort.

Harriet was the first to move from her seat at the bar when the pair approached them. With the skills of a mother she noticed the nervous look painted on Mac's face. She knew that only one thing might take that away. Without delaying, she took two strides forward to her friend and wrapped her arms around the other woman in a warm hug.

"So good to have you back, Mac."

No 'we missed you', since that would only make her feel guilty. No 'where have you been', since that would look like an interrogation. Just a simple display of joy at having her back in their midst. It was all it took. Walls slammed down with an almost audible thud, all barriers gone.

Bud got to her right after his wife, baffled as always that she seemed to know exactly what to do when he was mostly in the dark with his foot in his mouth. He now greeted Mac with warmth and genuine happiness.

At long last, the admiral, who had remained silent during this entire greeting, rose from his barstool. His hand outstretched, he changed his mind and copied the warm welcome his officers had. Much to her surprise and joy, he too wrapped Mac up in his embrace.

"Welcome back, Colonel...Mac."

Taking the offered drink from Harm, Mac took a long, careful sip to give herself a minute to gather her emotions, before raising her glass to toast the group of people she cared for the most in her life, and the man she loved more than that life itself. For the first time, she allowed herself to let go of that past year…and simply be happy again.

"To you…my friends, glad to be back."

They clinked their glasses, welcoming her home .

**THE END**


	21. Chapter 21

**Epilogue**

**AN**: The oath Mac is taking is the real one, but other than that I have no clue how a ceremony like that takes place. If anybody has a clue, I'm truly interested, so drop me a note any time! Oh…I have no idea if Harm's new command even exists. But now it does…

**Disclaimer**: For the last time...Don't own.

On a sunny, late August afternoon, the Jag staff found themselves gathered outside for a small and simple, yet so significant ceremony.

Everybody was dressed in finest class A uniforms, all brass polished, shining in the rays of sunlight on the square outside JAG Headquarters.

At the center, three people were huddled together, one of them standing at close attention, right hand raised as she repeated the words that bound her once again to the rules and regulations of the United States Marine Corps.

"I, Sarah Catherine McKenzie, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter. So help me God."

When the oath was taken, a small speech was given by one of the two males standing at ease in front of her, one directly facing her, the other one standing a little to the side, pride and joy dancing in his eyes, for her to see only. At the end, the speaker motioned for the younger man to approach.

"Ladies and gentleman, Commander Harmon Rabb Jr. requested to do the honors. Commander, proceed."

He handed Harm a well-known velvet box. Tentatively he took out the silver Oak Leafs and one by one, he pinned them on the collar of Lieutenant Colonel Sarah MacKenzie, United States Marine Corps, thereby completing her reinstatement ceremony.

Sarah, fervently blinking away her tears, slowly brought her right hand to her head in a crisp salute, waiting for Harm to answer (with a smile of a proud papa) before turning to salute the admiral, who returned it, emotions in check except for the slight twitch around the corner of his mouth.

Turning around again, she kept her hand where it was, saluting the flag and, though not necessary since she outranked them, her friends. Moving as one, they jumped to attention and returned her salute.

Finally, she lowered her hand, effectively ending the official part of the ceremony. Now, for the moment forgetting protocol, she hugged AJ, Harriet, Bud and, on a whim, even Singer. Startled, the other woman returned the hug.

At long last, she approached her best friend, her lover, her love. He'd had his own little ceremony a week before, when he was appointed lead investigator and prosecutor for the Pentagon. It provided him with the best of both worlds: since he was no longer in Chegwidden's chain of command the fraternization problem between him and Mac was tackled, but he would still work mostly from his JAG HQ office, only summoned to the Pentagon for meetings and evaluations.

So he didn't have to hold back when he wrapped his new jarhead girlfriend in his arms, spinning her around once, twice, setting her down on her feet again and proceeded kissing the living daylights out of her.

Hats were thrown in the air, cheers were heard, glasses were filled. The sun set upon the now fully staffed JAG headquarters, leaving it to the stars to silently salute the tight circle of coworkers and friends.

**AN:** That's it. The end. Basta! Finito! Finished! Thanks to all my faitfull readers and reviewers. You keep inspiring me. Hope to get you hooked on my upcoming stories too.


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